must keep calm or something like it

And I need to not be panicked right now. I went the whole day, being cool and calm. Well as cool and calm as a drunken monkey can be. Thats what I labeled myself as. A drunken monkey indeed. Running about doing all sorts of crazy things.

Its been a crazy long ass day. Left my room in a storm at 8:30am and didnt come back till 7pm. And then people came over. And so really, I have been on the "on mode" for more than 12 hours which is an illegal dose for Elina.

Also, did i mention I couldnt find my glasses in the morning? So everything looked fuzzy and blurry all day. Im sure thats how a bat feels in the daytime.

I had run three subjects in my experiment today. The 9am girl said that the angry faces distracted her because she felt like asking them "Why are you so angry?" I love subjects when they are silly. I hate them when they are stupid. And man, there are way too many people in this world that are just downright dumb. Ugh. And Im in such a ticked off mood, that i may have just sent my first nasty email to a subject. She didnt respond to me for more than a week and then emails and says, Oh yeah, Ill come in tomorrow. What are you queen of something? Eesh.

Seriously.

And seriously i am ticked off.

Ahem.

I hate being this angry and panicked.

So in other news, today was funny when my russian professor burst into Russian swearing. It almost feels okay to say curses if they are in Russian. We had a hot debate in class over whether friendships in Russia have more soul and meaning to them, then the friendships in America. "Back in Russia, you can just come over at 3am with a bottle of vodka and vent to your friend. But here you have to schedule it in…" And maybe thats true. Maybe American life is very un-spontaneous and fake with all the smiles. But. I still prefer this land. Everyone sticks to their own business. Someone in the class really ticked off a girl by saying that the only thing in texas are cows. Clearly she was a freshman. Clearly she has a lot to learn about this world.

I ran around hanging up flyers for the tibetan speaker on Sunday. Which was creepy because had to go into Massell. I had to go to Shapiro. The dorm i lived in as a freshman. There was an aura that made my skin crawl. I couldnt make eye contact with even the doors. I want to run as far as i could from that place. Did i have I a traumatic freshman year or what? ha!

I met with an insurance lady who said that i cant switch to my mom’s insurance. Im forever signed under my student insurance, which is ripping us off for $1000. Oh well. I loved how the insurance lady laughed at my ambition to cancel. "Ive never seen it done in all the 7 years ive been here," she said with a bold smile.

I also met up with Derek. He is my co-thesis advisor. And hopefully i can go to him more often than Bob. Yes. THE bob. The big man in my lab that scares me. And sometimes I feel like i have gotten over my fear of him. But really i havent. I dont feel comfortable asking him questions in fear that he would call me stupid and throw me out of his room for asking such a stupid question. Derek said that my subject data looked good and im ready to run older adults.

I read a paper today for my thesis that totally made me angry. It was kind of like a chicken and an egg question. Which comes first? Do our psychological motivations influence the activation of our brain parts or do the brain parts influence our psychological motivations? I believe the latter, although that means im a neuroscience person and probably believe in the idea that our brains have most if not all the control.

In lab, we ordered Thai food. It was so amazing. Mmm spring rolls. They are such tiny things that you dip in the sweetest of sauces. And the dumplings were to die for!

Sarah actually stood me up for lunch. I waited for her for 30 minutes. Is it wrong that i took it so calmly? Is it so wrong that i know how to deal with people staning me up? I got a voice message a while later saying how she had overslept her alarm. The rule in life is to not take things personally. But in all honesty, I think ive given up on trying to meet up with Sarah. Ive given up on a lot of friendships. There are only so many times that you can say, "We should meet up…yes…" and no one follows through and i try to and then in the end, Im stood up. And. I. Just. Get. Tired.

In Tae Kwon Do class, we had story time. I love our dude. Sensai? i think he is called. He is this short, round black dude that can probably kill someone by just looking at them. Today he told us how he beat someone up and almost ended up in jail. He is awesome. We all respect him in this weird manner. Im going to have to write more on tae kwon do class. It is an interesting experience.

It got like 30 degrees colder when i was walking back to my apt. I called my mom and my hand felt like it was burning from the cold. If that makes any sense.

Aliza came over. We were talking about how i dont know where marina is, and then suddenly we hear the sleepy Marina "What time is it?!" It was funny.

You know what was also funny? I almost got killed today. I was putting the soup in the microwave when suddenly the wine bottle fell on my head and at the same time, knocked a knife down which went flying towards my stomach. Thankully, I got away and managed to just get wine on my cute gray socks. And its funny. I feel like im doomed to die in some freak accident, i swear.

Hmm. These daily entries are therapuetic. I started writing, with my hair standing up and my body shaking from all the anger and frustration and ugh. And now i am calmer.

I dont like it when people say that they have nothing to write about. Or when they say they are bored. We all have something to say. We all have something we think about. From, hmm what should i wear tomorrow? to mm i like cheese. Write what you want. Why must there be pressure? I dont give a shit what comes out. Im not sensoring anything. And "bored" people? dont get me started on those. Youre bored, because youre boring. Duh.

Hmm maybe i still have that anger lingering about.

I love how my anger stems from something completly random and unrelated. I think im upset over the fact that i agreed to hang up more fliers tomorrow. I know we need to recruit more people to the tibetan speaker on sunday. Its either me or Aliza. And aliza would have done it tonight till 3amtonight. And i felt bad for her. So i agreed. Stupid fucking elina. Now i have to wake up at 8am, and run out to the train to meet her to get the fliers and then spend an hour or more putting up fliers when really, i need that hour to study for the big exam on tuesday. I am taking THE SCARY BOB’s class. I cannot get anything lower than a 90 on that exam. And i didnt do any reading. And how am i supposed to do any reading of 200 pages in a textbook, if i am in lab all day tomorrow, then going to providence and then going to death cab concert and and and and and…

I need to breathe.

I hate exams.

I think ive grown out of them.

I also think im burnt out.

My mom called me crazy last night for wanting to take 5 classes next semester. I want to stuff as much icould. I feel like i havent taken any interesting classes. Ive gone all through college and all i have taken are science classes. Why? And so i was trying frantically to find a really neat class to take. And there were NO neat classes. I was also aiming to not have any friday classes and of course any class i remotely liked was on a friday. In the end, I decided to take russian.

Last night i dreamt that i was on a space ship on some planet and we really needed to get back on earth. And just as we were about to set off, my alarm rang. I feel like i ams still trying to get back on earth.

The best part of the day: There was an elderly man, probably a professor walking opposite of me in the hallway, and he smiled and said "Thats the way to live!" and pointed to my t-shirt. I was wearing my "Just Bee Yourself" tshirt. He may have been slightly drunk, now that i think about it. This was near my lab, in the science building. And down the hall, they were having a computer science party. It smelled of alcohol and the music was throbbing. Its very eerie when there are parties in the science buildings and you see professors casually walking around with beers. ha!