sometimes lonely is just too lonely

I am going to do a little thing called a free-write. Sometimes, words should be allowed free to flow and not restricted by proper grammer and periods and question marks and that little voice inside your head that screams "that paragraph is disgusting. delete it immediately".

No deleting.

Okay.

So right now i am listening to the sad tunes of jazz. Jamie Cullum to be precise. Dave is to thank for this recommendation. And i love jazz. Miles Davis is also sitting next to me. And I just wish someone would take me to a jazz bar already. I want that smoky soulful aura on my skin and lips and eyes. I want to tap my foot to rhythms that Ive never heard and will never hear again. I want to smile that nostalgic smile that wanes in moments yet to be had. I want to be swallowed up in moments with the person in front of me.

But who will take me to a jazz bar?

Who will strive hard to make me smile?

Who can i call now at 1:18am when I am peacefully melancholy and loney? I just want a voice on a static phone line. Or a body curved to my limbs. Arms around me as if Im a post it to your love.

There is someone that has the potential of making me really happy. But how do you tell them? Do you need to tell them? What is potential? It is fragile. I have to remember that it is fragile. And I am going to treasure it in my palms with fingers curved.

I wear this one ring on my finger. I found it in my mom’s jewlery chest. It is thick and silver. Three little flowers pop out. I take it off when i go to sleep and put it on my nightstand. When I wake up, i slide it back on. Because i cant seem to live without it. My middle finger feels naked. What will i play around with in class? I like to place it on various other fingers to see how it looks. And sometimes it just hangs like a loose skirt and I analyze it.

I am really upset with Marina right now. She acted super selfish tonight. Lied to me and then pinched me until I gave her what she wanted. I dont like being upset at people. Tomorrow morning I will confront her about her childish behavior. And she will apologize. And soon enough she will repeat it. Because Elina is good for using, didnt you know?

My mom pointed out to me the other day that I have only had one selfless friend. Only one friend in my life that loved me whole heartedly and never expected anything except just me. Didnt ask for anything except to just spend time with me. Her name is Lena and I havent talked to her in years. She is younger than me and we are quite different in personalities. But she was in love with me. And i of course pushed her away. [i never did want to be worshipped]

But what does it mean to be a friend? Maybe we are all selfish. Maybe we all ask for things but we give too and it all balances out in the end.

Sometimes it feels like all my friendships are unbalanced.

Sometimes i feel like I am finding cracks in everything. And why are there so many cracks? How have i survived with so many of them? How has everything survived? What is the disillusion? The overwhelming cracks or the wholeness?

We went apple picking today. It was a beautiful crisp afternoon with plenty of families and children and the New England foliage was too perfect. I climbed a tree and it filled the void. We ate so many apples, our tummies rumbled afterwards. But it is okay because these apples were delicious.

Liz and Marina are making seductive eyes at the camera and I am just happy-go-lucky in the middle. weee!

I dont know why i am lonely. I have good family and friends. I dont know why i get this lonely.

I decorated my room. I posted this new picture above my bed. It brings me peace, just by looking at it. Maybe one of these days I will take a picture of my room. And post the pics here. Maybe if I have someone who had such crazy intrigue of what elina’s room looks like. It is very Elina-ish. Oh yes.

I realized i am a traveler at heart. I cant stay in one place for too much time. Like right now, I keep looking at the calander, which weekend i can escape. I thought i only wanted to leave my parent’s house. But its even here. Everything gets too annoyingly routine and same and just blah. I need. New faces and new views and new thoughts.

I decided to partake in Nanowrimo. Yeah. 50k words in a month. I figure I have always wanted to write a novel. This will be my push. Even if i write 5 pages, it is better than 0 pages. It would be good for my mental state to escape into the fiction world of creative writing. It wont be so good for my busy schedule. I can just see myself at 3am, with a cup of earl grey tea [with honey!] and fervently typing about some crazy plot that will be ridiculous when i wake up the next morning. Ahh. But those moments at 3am are precious indeed.

Liz came into my room one day and exclaimed, "can you imagine if all these meds work and your face clears up perfectly?" I blinked back at her and told her that i had been wishing for a clear face since i was 11 years old. "I wonder if i would recognize you!" and then she kind of stared into space, in deep thought. And it got me thinking. This is who i am. The acne girl. Im sure plenty of people recognize me this way. We all have physical characteristics that make a first impression and well this is mine. Pimples. And it got me thinking even more. What if my face was clear? What if i never had this problem? What kind of person would i be? How would i be different? I think id be more outgoing. Like i was once when i was a kid with no inhibitions. Id be more confident. And flirtatious and less awkward. Id know more guys on campus. How would my life be different? Hmm. Maybe i would still be the same elina. The world will never know.

I havent stayed up late in a while. I keep collapsing at around midnight. It is either that i am getting old, I am lame, or my meds’ side affects. I went to an online forum and apparently some woman was so fatigued, she fell asleep on the toilet. I have been feeling fatigue the past several weeks. And thankfully I have been controlling it.

As for my stomach. Thats hard to control.

Its funny what pains we go through, that we realize we are capable of with-holding so much pain.

Sometimes i worry that when i talk to people, i repeat myself. I forget who i tell stories too. And i seem to have a memorized set of stories and theories. I feel bad repeating stories but hey, i cant put new spins on old stories. Eventually the exaggerations will just turn into downright lies.

Ive realized a fault of mine. I lie when it comes to homework. Here is my theory. If I hand in hw all the time and on time, it means that one day, i can lie and say something about how i was sick or i just merely forgot it and the teacher will be okay with it because hey i am a good student. Yes. Good students get slack and i abuse that power by lying.

I lied about my psych stats homework. I said i forgot to hand it in, when in reality i just didnt do it. But shhh. Dont tell anyone.

Im hungry. its almost 2am. I think i may steal some swiss cheese. mmm. cheeeeese.

Od has become an interesting place. I still dont know what to think about the diaries that are favorites only. I always welcome new readers. I really do. Why do people go on favorites only? Is it because they’re afraid of someone in real life finding them? Because they want to be exclusive? I have thought about going favorites only. But i feel like id be too exclusive. like Id be creating some special club of people that can know Elina’s secrets. Hmm.

I wish I could have a car, and Id hop in and drive all across america and take pictures of everything. I really just want to capture everything with my lens. I want to show people the world through my eyes.

I should get some sleep. My roomates will probably wake up early and they will wake me up too. They tend to be loud. Slamming doors. Turning on the garbage disposal. Slamming plates. Arr. Am i the only one who tries to tiptoe and not wake anyone up? What happened to respect? Or maybe ive just become a light sleeper. hmm. Or maybe i just really need a weekend away from this place.

I want to feel lonely in another location. Change of scenery please.