You Broke My Heart…

Sorry no ultrasound pictures yet. They are at Patrick’s house. Things have taken a turn for the worse with him and I. I honestly don’t think if I can ever forgive him for what happened.

Since Wednesday I’ve had this cough and it has been a little harder to catch my breath. Wednesday I was fine…minus the sick stuff. Thursday came and I went and got my Financial Aid money, cashed it, got so stuff for my car, and then went and did my final for Nutrition [I got an 80. I passed the class with a C-. I didn’t know it was a mini-mester.] and took my math quiz that I was missing. All I could do was cough and cough and cough. Nothing helped. So I went to Wal Mart and got some plan Robitussin for the cough and congestion. Took it and nothing worked. So I took some more. [I was suppose to take it every 4 hours.] Nothing worked. Anyways, dropped Pat and his mother off at work [at this time everything was fine] and went out to my mothers. It got to by about 9ish and breathing was getting harder and harder. Couldn’t catch my breath or nothing. So I called the Birthing Center and talked to a nurse. I told her what was going on…that I couldn’t breath, couldn’t take a deep breath, couldn’t catch my breath, all I was doing was none stopped [DEEP] coughing, and was really hot. She told me to take my temperature and that the doctor that was on call would call me right back. Went and did my temperature and it come out to be 99.5 degrees F. The doctor told me to go to the ER and then follow up with my doctor the next morning. So I called my mom at work to ask her if she could get out so I could go to the ER. She said she would try but seeing she isn’t the father of my children and she was busy they wouldn’t let me leave. I called Heidi Mom and told her. Her and Tommy FLEW up here to take me to the ER. This was about 9:15…which was when the text messages started flying in. The next portion of this entry is going to be nothing by text messages. His are in normal. Mine are in italics.

-You ok, was just told you were’nt feeling good?
No. I’m on the way to the ER.
-What’s wrong?
I can’t breath and a slight fever of 99.5.
-Dang, does your mom know?
Yeah, they won’t let her leave.
-She didn’t even tell me, I heard it from someone else.
Can you leave? They won’t let her leave and she’s my emergency contact.
-Probably not, and they would give me a frequency if I left.
Then ride home with mom.
-I will.
-Let me know what’s going on.
-Should I come to the ER or your mom’s house?
Fuck off! Worry about your fucking job!!
-Of course I’m worried about my job. Without it we would have nothing.
-And if it wasn’t for N*, I would have never known cause your mom didn’t say shit to me that you were going to the hospital.
I’m in the fucking hospital! Don’t worry about me and the kids.
She was trying to find a way to get home. You so much. You proved it tonight.
-I am worried. It’s that only thing I can think about.
-I tried, I was told I couldn’t leave without getting a frequency.
But you did nothing. Yeah ok. You just enjoy your job that god forbid you get a frequency for. I’m your fiance with your kids. What if it had something to fo with them?!
-I would leave if I could but I can’t.
You can. Your the father, it’s an emergency. Just fuck off!
-FMLA only covers false alarms. So I would get a frequency and put myself at risk of losing my job.
Like I said, leave me alone.
-I’ll be there after work even if I have to walk.
No go home. You come her I’ll tell them not to let you in.
-I’m sorry you feel that what, but I am still coming. You may not think I care, but I do.
Don’t come here!
-Why are you doing this to me, don’t you understand what I am risking if I leave?
I’m not doing anything. I’m laying in the hospital with breathing problems. But you’ll take frequencies any other time.
-All the frequencies I have taken recently have been for us, our kids, or you.
Well this has to do with me and our kids!
-I know, but I could lose my job, the job that we need to survive.
No it would give you 6. But whatever.
-It’s not the 6 that matters. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.
Just don’t worry. I’m being discharged.
-Then I will ride home with your mom.
No!
-I want and need to be there for you.
Too late.
-Please I need to be with you.

**What I have is bronchitis [viral].**

He did show up at my mothers house. I didn’t say a thing to him that night or that day. I went back to his house and attempted to go to sleep. The hospital gave me a puffer if I was having trouble breathing. I didn’t get very much sleep. I fell asleep at 2:30ish, was up at 6:30 and stayed awake for a moment. Fell asleep [coughing] then was up at 8 to make my appointment to go to the docotrs. My doctors appointment was for 10:45 so I got there and I had his mother come with me seeing I didn’t want to be alone. Had to sit there until 11:45 because the doctor was behind. Took my temp again and it was still tetering. She prescribed me a Z-pack for 5 days, tons of rest, do my puffer every 4 hours, and come back on Monday for a check up. So I called my mom and I had her come to Pats and get me. [It’s Friday now.] Well I had her follow me so I could drop my car off at the shop to get it fixed. Then we went to Wal Mart to get my meds. filled and we got some baby stuff. [I’ll take pictures later.] Got to my moms house and they went out again. I stayed her and rested. Then more text messages came in. Again his are in normal text and mine are in italics.

-I know your probably still mad at me, but I just wanted you to know that I love you and I’m sorry about last night. It was a choice I didn’t want to make but I felt
-It was the only thing I could do given the short and long term consequence of it. I just hope that you will understand and forgive me.
No I don’t understand. People offered you cars and jesus I was sitting in the hospital and all I wanted was you. But no. I’m quite sick. Sick mother could hurt the
Babies. And you apologize on a text. Fuck Pat. You broke my heart!! Don’t worry you won’t have to worry anymore. Just remember YOU ARE the father.
-I’m sorry I did it on text, I could wait till break. And I’m gonna worry anyways. I love you and our kids. I don’t want to lose you.
You broke my heart.
-I’m really sorry. That’s not what I wanted to do.
Well you did it. You brushed me off like nothing mattered. I can and will do this ALL of it myself.
-Please don’t shut me out, I can’t go on without you. I amde a choice at the time I thought was the right one. I know that it was wrong and I have to live with that.
-Please don’t make me not be able to make it up to you.
It shouldn’t have been that hard of a choice. The mother of your kids is in the hospital, choice made. I’m sick. I’m losing weight, 4lbs in 3 days. But whatever.
-Please forgive me, I need you.
Yeah, I need you last night. That didn’t mean anything like when you said you’d drop anything if i was in the ERagain.
-Please don’t do this. I don’t want to end up like our parents. I know we can get through this.
I don’t know if we can fix it. Last night showed me how much you love me. ANd now you couldn’t apologize or even ask me if I’m ok in person you had to do it over the phone.
-I didn’t want to do it over the phone. It’s just the only way I can talk to you are the moment.

Then I went and took a shower. He did call but I had nothing really to say to him. Yesterday I didn’t hear from him at all. Not even a how are you? Or nothing. Yeah it shows so much. He wants to make it up to me, but how do you make up for that? He deserted me when I needed him. He also blamed me for the frequencies…it’s not my fault the gas got shut off, not my fault it snowed, and it’s NOT my fault I had the miscarriage. “For us, you or our kids…” Our kids aren’t even here!! Jesus!! So I’ve been at my moms all weekend.

I still don’t have my car back. Hopefully tomorrow. But just wanted to write and let everyone know how I’m doing. I’m doing much better than what I was on Thursday. I haven’t had to use my puffer once today. Fever went back down to normal and the cough has losened up. Sleeping is still a hassle seeing that I’m coughing all the time. But once I fell asleep last night I stayed asleep until 10 this morning. So we’re getting better. I’ll let you know what the docotor says tomorrow. I have to be back there at 1.

Until next time…toodles…

♥ Amanda

.The Angel.