Completely lost…I wish I was a dream reader….

…are my mistakes of the past coming back to haunt me…?

Hey everyone, thought it would be a good day for an entry. I’ve wanted to do one all weekend just to get this stuff out of my mind, but seeing that we are down a computer at my house it’s kind of hard. Pat’s hard drive ended up frying in his computer so he’s been using the one that is designated as “mine”. Anyways, first things first…according my calculations, and the ticker, I should be ovulating right about now. It would explain my craving for sex…hmm, don’t you think. Anyways, [TMI time] Pat and I have been going at it at least everyday…except for Saturday…needed a break. There’s only so much sex a girl can have. [End TMI] So let’s keep our fingers crossed.

Second and most important, I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. Ok, wonderful. But what get’s me is that the past few dreams that I have had have been about someone, and not who it should be. I haven’t been dreaming about Pat, I’ve been dreaming about John. Why??!! Well the first dream I had was Thursday night. That dream consisted of me going to find him, we ended up resolving everything, and got back together while I was still marrying Pat. What the hell is that shit?! Second dream I had was on Saturday after I had the dream about Pat telling me he had one day to live and he died. [After that dream was finished I woke up crying.] Anyways, the one with John in it. Well Pat disappeared for 2 days and I don’t know where he went. He returned and we went downstairs, and sitting on our love seat was John and some girl. He was all cuddled up to her and everything. If I remember correctly, he lived with us. For the past few days I have done nothing but think about these dreams. Is this really what’s right for me? Was I suppose to stay with John? Maybe what happened was just me turning around just to see an end of a strech and I overreacted? I would really like to know why I keep having dreams of him. It’s weird too. When I wake up from having a dream about him I smell his house. Just out of no where, I can smell his house and his room. What the hell is wrong with me? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Another thing that’s weird is that in every dream about him our song “Count On Me” by Default is playing somewhere in the background. And the nights the dream about him, I see him either driving from school, or around campus or when I’m dropping Pat [or Ellen] off at work. Can some shed some light on this situation for me?

Anyways, other than the bizarre dreaming, I’ve been alright. Some days are better than others. I came to the realization that this month would be the month Pat and I would be finding out whether we’d be having a daughter or a son. It’s so hard. I still have the ticker that I posted in the I have an announcement… entry and it says I would be 14 weeks and 4 days. I think I am more upset now than I was in the beginning. I’ve been told that is gets easier, but I’ve found it’s gotten harder than easier. I’m crying almost daily, I’m either eating too much or nothing at all, some days I feel like I haven’t slept in days, and I have been more crabby than normal. All I want is my child. My Angel who was tooken from me. I wrote a little thing the other day. This is what it says:

Even though I wasn’t allowed to hold you,
Even though I wasn’t allowed to see
You all grown up,
Even though I wasn’t allowed to see
You turn one years old,
Even though I wasn’t allowed to go through
The joys of child birth,
Just remember,
My little Angel
Mommy Loves You, Always!!

Anyways, onto something a little happier. Megan, the girl who went with me to my Senior Ball has agreed to take the position as Maid of Honor in my wedding. She cried on my shoulder today when we talked about it and she said yes. I am so happy she accepted.

Well, I think I am going to end it here. It’s 11:13pm, I have to clean my rabbit and my mom should be getting out of work soon so I can go home. Until the next time…PLCG

♥ A

P.S. Please, leave me so advice about my dreaming. It would be greatly appreciated!!

.The Angel.