Why do terrible things happen to good people…?

I am just going to copy and paste what I wrote in my myspace. It hurts to write it, or talk about it but all in the same time it helps to tell. Ok here it is…

[WROTE ON 9/12] Well seeing that everyone on my opendiary site know what is going on with me, I might as well tell you all as well. Pat and I decided to get married. On the 4th him and I went and bought our wedding rings and my engagement ring. And then on the 1st of September I found out that I was pregnant with our first child. Come to find out I was 5 and a half weeks.

Now the terrible part about this entry…Friday night at 11pm, I was taken to the hospital for bleeding. I was there until 4 that morning and the doctor told me that they found a heart beat in the ultrasound. [Crazy as it sounds.] But the heart rate was only 79 beats instead of being 140-160 beats. [If you ask me, what they picked up was my heart beat.] Anyways, they also took blood. [Off topic for a moment…I found out my blood type. My blood type is A+.] They also took my blood to do the pregnancy test and to test my HCG levels. My HCG level was 886 which was were it should have been. But what concerned them was the heart beat. They said seeing it was that low I was at a high risk of a threatening miscarriage. I left there crying hysterically. They also told me to come back as soon as possible of the bleeding got worse and if pain was added in. When I went it was only a little bit of blood and no pain, just pressure. So mom [who took me, and then went and got Pat from work] took Pat and I back to her house to get my car and him and I went back home.

The following morning, I had Pat call into work for me. I went to the bathroom and everything seemed alright. The bleeding cleared up a little and I thought I was fine and figured I could wait until Monday to go see Dr. Page [the gyno.]. I went to the bathroom again, and it got worse and there was pain. So Pat and his mom rushed me back to the hospital, where I ended up bleeding all over the floor. They told me that I have a 90% chance of miscarrying the baby and seeing it was so early in the game, they couldn’t give me anything to slow down the miscarriage. So again, I left there crying.

Sunday, Pat and I went to Olean. I met him dad, grandparents, aunt, grandfather, cousin…I think that’s it. Everyone kept asking me when the baby was due. [The due date they gave me was May 3rd.] I wanted to cry. I just said May 3rd. But all in all it was a nice day. I like his family. I was most comfortable around his dad and his grandparents.

Then Monday I had to go to Dr. Page at 3:30 so I called into work again. I didn’t go to classes either yesterday. I went there, and Dr. Page did an exam and said that I was either on the verge of miscarrying, in the process of, or already had a miscarriage. Just to check he wanted me to go and get another blood test done to test my HCG levels. I did and I left crying. I was also told to call the office late morning to get the results.

I went to class today, and had an alright start. I waited until 10:30 to call the office. I did and she told me the results. My HCG level went from 886 down to 94. It should have doubled. I ended up having a miscarriage.

I feel like shit. I’m not going to work again today. I can’t. I feel so guilty because I let the stress get to me. If I would’ve just let it go. But then I get told that it’s natures way of getting rid of a ‘defect’. Why’s it have to happen for my first pregnancy? I’m not saying I want it to happen ever, just a question. There are so many people out there having these babies and not wanting them, but me, I wanted this baby and it got tooken away from me.
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[9/13] I feel like such a killer. I just don’t know how to word anything. I feel that I let everything get to me that I killed my child. Great way to start off a birthday.

That’s right my 20th birthday is in 7 days….on the 20th!! I’ll try and update before hand!!

Love,
Amanda

.The Angel.