On my own….

OK, so as you all can see I’ve been a little bit of an extended hiatus. So much has been going on and just haven’t really found the time to write it all down. Even though I should. I would probably feel ten million times better than what I feel right now.

First things first….the basic shit. Still working at the same mother fuckin place!! I hate that place with a passion. It’s just like high school working up there. There’s 4 of us, and 3 out of the 4 of us have started a clique and guess who’s excluded from that clique….ME!! Which really doesn’t bother me none the least. I really have a distaste for the girls. “The Over Achiever” [Andrea] thinks she’s the one that runs the show. She’s a fucking associate JUST LIKE ME!! Tanya, she just started maybe 2 weekes ago and she has MORE HOURS than I do. Jaime, well, she’s making me look really really bad. She didn’t take any of the trainning that I did to heart. She feels she runs the show as well. Well really, they all do. And in reality they’re meaningless “servants” just like me! But the downside to that, is that they make more than I do, still. My raise, what a fucking joke. Our new manager is fucking worthless. I just really hate that place. Ever since John left that place, it has gone to hell in a hand basket. For some reason, the new manager feels we run a 5 stars resturant…haha…that’s a fucking joke a half. WE WORK IN A GOD DAMN FACTORY FOR CHRIST SAKES!!

Second on my list to talk about…the ex. Well I contacted him the other day to see what he wanted me to do with his phone number and screen names and what have you. I NEVER intended on “re-establishing” contact with him. But seeing that I did that, he wrote in his OD that I was trying to re-establish contact. No that wasn’t the case of the matter. I wanted to know if it was useless to keep all that stuff. If I didn’t need it, then I was going to get rid of it seeing it was doing nothing but taking up space on my Yahoo list, my AIM list, and my myspace. I don’t have that shit for a popularity contest. Anyways, everyone knows that when I leave an away message I normally use song lyrics to end things. Well I put up one saying “would I be out of line if I said I still loved you?” SOMEHOW that meant reference to him. Seeing that everyone knows what happened between him and I, how could I possibly? But again, for the millionth time, it’s MY FAULT why him and I didn’t work out. I read his new one about the new girl he met. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for him that he found someone, but the shit he said it is repeatative to what he said to me. He could be himself, and he didn’t have to try and impress me blah blah bullshit. For some reason however, he seems to keep trying to run me over at work. He was taking his cart thinger there to I think reclaim, and he seen me. He didn’t move. If I didn’t jump out of the way, I would’ve been hit by him and his fucking cart. Plus on top of the shit that I read coming directly from him, I get asked on a DAILY basis if “we worked out our problems” and stupid shit like that. The answer to that is NO and WE NEVER WILL!! What is done is done and so be it.

Third thing on the list…home. HAHA what a subject to choose. I don’t have one. Well I do, but I don’t. I have been kicked out of mom’s AGAIN. The reason behind it this time is because, she doesn’t like Pat. She feels that I spend too much time with him and at his house. She feels that I used her for our vacation to Darien Lake and just “pretended” to be the “perfect family.” I told her when I was there to get some clothes that she could stop with all the guilt trips that she is putting me through. She feels like Pat has put that in my head. Not at all. She has done that for many many years. If you’ve read all of my many entries, you’ll see how she always has done the guilt trips. So now I have to have my stuff out of mom’s house by Monday, or if I am going to live with her give her $50 a week along with $40 for cable and limit my time with Pat. No, this isn’t going to happen anymore. She rid me of my “childhood” and I am taking it back. I know that I can never have the ages of 13-18 back, but I’ll make up for it somehow. Honestly, what does really expect me to do? I’m going to be 20 in September…does she honestly think I am going to stay home, clean her house, raise her kids somemore and be ok with it?! I DON’T THINK SO!! So Pat’s mom, bless that woman’s heart, along with Pat, have let me come here.

Seeing that I’ve been talking about him, let’s move on to Pat. Things are rather good. Not an arguement yet. *knocks on wood* The only thing I have a real problem with is his game. He’s into that World of Warcraft stuff, and he plays that like it’s not going to be there tomorrow. I can handle it for about 2, 3 hours tops, but when he does shit like this morning it makes me rather uneasy. This morning we got up at 10:30ish and he said he had a lot to do today. Well I knew he had to look at the light fixture in the office room because it fried out last night before I came home from work. He unscrewed it, looked at it, couldn’t really do anything with it and went to his game. He was on it still when I left for work today at 3:15…it is now 10:38…HE’S STILL PLAYING!! But when he’s not playing it, things are amazing. It’s crazy, every time he tells me he loves me feels like the very first. I still get lightheaded and breathless. The other day he told me that he loved me more, and I was speechless. I literally had nothing to say, which isn’t often seeing I always have something to say. Speaking of being speechless, his mom did it to me. One morning his mom and I were downstairs having coffee, we were talking and she goes to me “you are the only of Pat’s girlfriends that I’ve ever liked.” Right there, I had no words to what she just said. All I could do was smile from ear to ear. And it had a HUGE effect on me. She did it to my face and no through Pat. That’s what made me so speechless. But anyways, in general things are still amazing.

Next on my list of shit…is school. It starts September 6th. Now seeing that I don’t live with my mother and I need something else from her for my financial aid I don’t know if I am going to get it. I went to the school the other day to hand in the rest of my forms to get the rest of my financial aid. Well I had to have my mom’s W-2’s and her taxes. Her W-2 and her taxes don’t match. So I don’t know what to do. But they put it through anyways. They came up with amounts that I am getting for 2 of my awards. For PELL I am getting an estimated amount of $1950. And for my TAP [State Aid] I am definantly getting $1450. Which is awesome seeing that my bill was $1600. I’m rather excited. I can’t wait to go.

Speaking of money. DEAR GOD! I wish the shit was never invented. I am in the whole…with just my bank account…$79. Which is better from 2 months ago when it was $320 in the NEGATIVE. I was also in the hospital a couple weeks ago. The reason for that won’t be discussed on here. Just know this, it was really bad, and I was in a EXTREME amounts of pain. Anyways, that bill came and I had one hell of an anxiety attack. $3100…I owe to the hospital because I don’t have insurance. It cost me $2000 just to walk through the ER doors. Plus with everything they did… Anyways, when I gotit, I stopped breathing and I couldn’t stand up without being up against something.

On a good note…seeing that a majority of this entry has been bad…Momma Flossie had her baby. She had a little girl. Her name is Emilie Rose. Momma had to have a C-section seeing she wasn’t dialating. Emilie arrive July 10 at 9 on the dot. 5lbs. 15 oz. and I can’t remember the length. Anyways, I haven’t seen her since then seeing she was at the fathers mothers and her and I don’t see eye-to-eye. She should be home now, so I should go and see her.

Well I think that is it for this LONG ass entry. I’ll try to update more often instead of you all waiting 2 months to hear from me. Till next time….PLCG!!

♥ Amanda ♥

.The Angel.