Have some composure and where’s your posture?

Right Nowx Time 9:22pm
x Wearing Jeans, black and green sequenced tank top thingy
x Music “Love Will Be Right Here” -SWV
x Munching Orbit’s Wintermint gum
x Sipping Diet Pepsi Twist
x Chatting No one
x Thinking …

&& she opens her eyes

Hey there everyone. I thought seeing that I haven’t updated my diary in 20 days that maybe it was time. I feel terrible about it too. I love my diary and not updating like should really makes me sad. Anyways…

Well I’m still working. Hate the place but still there. I’m trying to look for a new place to work, but seeing I don’t really have that much time in the day, then it’s going to have to do for the time being. Anyways, we hired a new girl, Jaime. She’s a sweetheart. But she did a no-no the other day. She never showed up and I guess, according to my boss, she called in about a half hour before she was suppose to be in and he was in Canada. So yeah, I got in that day, and the door was unlocked, the lights were on, the STOVE WAS ON, the stem tables were on, food was out, and I got left with it all. I had to re-clean the stove, had to put all the food away because it was all breakfast stuff, make sure the stem tables had water in them, and then do my daily stuff. I was livid. I called my boss and he was like “what do you want me to do?” I said nothing and that I was just calling to tell him what I walked into and that it was complete BULL SHIT that I had to deal with it. I don’t make enough money to deal with other peoples stupidity. Other than that, it’s been alright.

John and I are not together. Stuff happened [some stuff I’ll tell you about and others I’ll keep between him and I. He knows what happened.] Anyways, something happened to the fact where I started to distance myself away from him out of fear. He’d go to touch me and I didn’t want him to. Plus he was getting WAY WAY WAY too controlling again. He doesn’t like my friend Amanda for some reason. [I got that little bit of information from a very reliable source.] The thing is, he’s NEVER in his life met Amanda. Where he can say he doesn’t like her is beyond me. Anyways, he said that when anyone gave me attention [like Amanda] I went running and left him behind. Not a chance. Then he didn’t like the fact that the guys at work talk to me and flirt with me. I’m sorry, I’m 19 years old. I have MANY years to go before I settle so just let me flirt. It wasn’t like I was going home with these different guys and fucking there brains out. No. I’d go home and wait for John. I had to tell him where I was going, who I was going with, what we were doing, when I’d be home, who’s car we were taking, really fucked up shit like that. My mom doesn’t even do that to me. Anyways, we got fighting a couple days ago about it and I told him to leave me alone because I was done with the conversation at that time. So he came back with if I tried crawling back to him that he “wouldn’t take me fucking back.” I was like that’s dandy. But that day at work after we fought, I cried. All because he knows how to hurt me with his words. He makes me feel an inch big and it kills. It’s worse than someone coming up to you and punching you in the stomach. Well the following day we talked and stuff. He said that he had to work on being more understanding, not being so controlling and not being so jealous. I said I had to work on trying to not be a royal bitch all the time. I don’t know where he thought I said we’d give us another shot. He asked me and I didn’t say anything. Don’t get me wrong, yes I love him, but I don’t know if I can handle it again. I’m single right now and I kind of like it. I don’t have to worry about doing something wrong. I did tell him though, yesterday, that we weren’t together and that I needed this time for me. To grow up. So I can go and experience things. Like going to clubs and stuff. I did mention though that I didn’t want to go and sleep with people, because I had this gut feeling that he was thinking that. I just had to make sure he knew that wasn’t the reason why we weren’t together. He just doesn’t understand. I sat there and asked him what he wanted from me and he was like “I want the relationship.” But if I am not ready for HALF the stuff he’s ready to give me, then it won’t work. He wants to get married in a couple years. I can’t do that. Sure someday, if that’s what fate has in store for me, then we will get married, but no where in the near future. Hell I am only going to be 20 years old. There’s so much I want to do before I become Mrs. so-and-so. If he really loves me then he will wait like he said he would…only if he wants to. He always said to me to do what makes me happy, and if doing this is going to make me happy then just let me be. To be honest, I don’t see where I have time for an extremely serious relationship right now. I work almost everyday, and in 3 months I’ll be going back to school. My schedule will consist of school, work, home, homework, bed. I don’t know. I wish he just understood. I do love him yes, I just wanted to reiterate that. I hope he knows that.

Anyways, back to something more up beat. I do my schedule for school this month on the 17th. I’m pretty excited about that.

I went and hung out with a guy from work the other night. I went and hung out with Pat. [He’s friends and roommates with a long time friend of mine Kyle C.] Anyways, I seen a whole new side to Pat that I never seen before. Normally he’s all nutty at work, but when it was him and I he was different. We just chilled outside on his back porch on his deck, watched the stars and talked about nothing and anything. It was nice. We are suppose to hang out again sometime soon.

I have new pictures for everyone to see. They are one entry back. I changed my hair color from the last picture. [Which was the family portrait.] I went back to a brown base with blonde highlights. You’ll see.

Well I think I am going to end it here for now. I’ll try and update real soon!! Don’t forget about me. I haven’t forgotten about you guys!!! Love ya!! PLCG!!

♥ A

.The Angel.