Private notes that are unsigned…

No you shouldn’t censor but tact would have been nice, instead of letting him read it here you should have told him first, but then from what I’ve seen of your diary, you are certainly a self centered person who thinks of herself first and foremost, I really hope John wakes up and sees just how flighty and selfish you truly are [p] 11/11/2005 1:48:34 AM

I just read that note and it almost made me cry. Am I really that selfish? John knows I like Sean. It’s nothing new to him, but if people just knew half the shit I have gone through then they would understand why I put myself ‘first’ as they say it. I have to make sure things are ok with me and then I can handle others. I am not selfish. I do like Sean, yes, I won’t lie about that and when he kissed me I loved it, but for people to say I am selfish? It’s not like I forced myself onto Sean. He didn’t that on his own. I can’t help that he likes me as well and he made a move.

I broke it off with him to try and save him from me. I can’t help the fact that I have trust issues and I know John never gave me a reason to not trust him but with having gone through a rape and molestation by 2 different men then you’d understand. Plus I also think the person that left that note to me is a very cowardly person. They couldn’t sign it. To whom ever you are…I bet you haven’t dealt with half the shit I have gone through. So you better think before you say to me that I am “flighty and selfish” person. FUCK YOU!!

I have given up everything to everyone. I have been a ‘mother’ to my siblings because my mom can’t seem to handle it on her own, I gave up my childhood to do so, I also gave up my social life as well. If my family or friends need something they have it. I paid off my friends half of the $350 for the credit card the she owed. I drop everything at a drop of a hat to do something for anyone. I don’t and I didn’t have to do any of it. I could have said fuck you all and deal with it yourself. I bend over backwards all the fucking time. And you can not say that your not self centered about things. I just can’t emphasize how much shit has gone on that makes me this way. Maybe if I wrote it down and gave you guys a mental picture then maybe you would understand a small portion of it all.

Just reading that sent me into a crazed fit. Almost to the point where I want to throw my 4 years of writing out the window. I am not a person that normally gets ‘hate’ notes like that and when I do I snap. Also being under the amount of stress and pressure I have been under lately it doesn’t surprise me.

I am going to bed now and I’ll deal with the in the morning.

-A*