You think this is easy for me…just kill me….

Just kill me and get it over with…Good fucking morning people!! Well let‘s see I‘d tell you more about Jason when I knew more. Well let‘s see, Wednesday morning he drove 2 hours down to my house just to see me for 3 hours. On top of that, he came directly from work. He worked the night shift and made it to my house at 9:30 or so. It was nice just to be with him without anyone else. Like I said in my last entry something is there just don‘t know what.

Last night when we were talking on Yahoo he asked me a question that I didn‘t quite know how to answer it:

*-Jason-* (9/29/2005 9:55:54 AM): did you want to make this thing official (you & me) or did you want to kinda leave it up in the air and just enjoy the feeling.

I didn‘t know what to say…all I asked was if he figured out if this was just an infatuation or what. I am a little uneasy about the situation as a whole. As I just sit and ponder it, it makes me feel really bad because I know how bad it will look in so many peoples eyes. Matt will see it as I wanted Jason not him, then there’s John, who I still care a lot about, then there is Sean who I ended up kissing but not finding out what he felt for me after I told him that I had something there for him, and with all of these feelings, I can’t turn them off and on. Wish I could because it would things so much easier to deal with. I am all sorts of confused.

Well enough about guys and what not, I went and looked for a job last night. I put my application in at the new Applebee’s that is opening up in Canandaigua and they are suppose to call me next week. I also got application in at TJ Maxx -n- More (retail store), Aldi’s (grocery store – I read on the door that they were looking for cashiers and start off pay is at $10.25 an hour), Depot 25 (restaurant), Tim Hortons (coffee shop), and Big-M (grocery store). Hopefully something works out. If I get the job at Aldi’s I will shit colors. Then I wouldn’t feel so bad losing my job seeing that I would be making so much more than I ever dreamed of at Getty.

I’ll be right back. John just left me a message saying that he left me a voicemail, so I am going to go and check that and let you know what he said on it.-11:51am

11:52am – Nothing much was said…all it said was that he was doing the same thing that I was doing…looking for a new job and to call him so we can get together. Just by listening to the tone of his voice made me feel like he was done with me and never ever wanted anything to do with me again. FUCK!! Why am I like I am, who knows. I crave attention and when I get that and I want more than that person can give I drive them away. Defeat – 6,000/Amanda – 0

Anyways, I am gonna go and have a smoke and ponder all these things whirling around in my head. PLCG!!

-A*