I’m puttin my heart on my sleeve…here goes…

I wish I were in Florida with *HIM*Hey kids…wow, another entry the next day. Damn that’s pretty good. I also re-did my layout so go and check it out. Anyways, I came home today. While I was in class mom called me so I called her when I was leaving. We talked all the way until I got home. Here and I are okay for now until something retarded comes up and we fight about it. Who knows. We’re going shopping next weeked. She get’s her taxes which means a new computer!! WOO HOO!! So excited about that.

The real reason I am writing this entry is to get out some of the feelings that I have been having since yesterday after I wrote. Well I called him last night. It rang once then took me straight to his voicemail. I left him a voicemail that I wish I didn’t leave.

I said: “So we’re avoiding me now? Ok, well I am just calling because I told you I said I was. I have this weird feeling so when you get this call me back. Bye.”

I think that was the wrong thing to say. He hasn’t called me back but hey it’s only 10:08pm and he calls me anytime between 9 and midnight. Or he could be sleeping and won’t call until whenever…more less Sunday night since he has Monday’s off. But I feel this whole thing that is going on between him and I is my fault. Like I pushed him into something he didn’t want to do and I feel like shit. If that’s the case I don’t know what I am going to do. Lately I have been so scared that he will say “stop calling me” or something along those lines. Like I told Momma Flossie tonight when she called me if he said that I don’t know what I would do. I love him more than anything. More than I ever loved Nate. I never thought I could love another human being as much as I love Pete. He’s my best friend. He is one of the greatest person that I have ever met. But he hurt me with all the things that he has been saying, and I know I told him to be straight up and honest with me but fuck, THE TRUTH HURTS!! The Sabrina thing flew me for a loop, the Irene thing flew me for an even bigger loop, the drugs, the drinking. Those are the only 2 things that scare me about him is the drugs and the drinking. I knew back when, before I was in the picture, that he use to be a HUGE pot head, but he gave all of that up, but when he said that he had a bowl with someone I wanted to die. Then the drinking, he drinks so much I am surprised he can function straight. Some nights he’ll call me up really drunk and tell me that he drove home like that. He starts drinking at work at like 3 in the afternoon and doesn’t stop until he passes out or calls me. It scares me and I don’t know how to tell him that it scares me. I’ve told him that it worries me and that I am surprised that I don’t have a full head of white hair, but that’s about it. He asks me why it worries me but all say is “because” and leave it at that. I never explain myself. Maybe I should? Another thing that he might be doing is what he said he was going to do while he was down there. While he’s down there he is going to quit smoking, so he might be doing that and doesn’t want to talk to me and chew my head off for nothing. If that is what is really going on I am going to feel like a complete asshole for everything that I have written the past 2 days. What to do? What to do?

Hmm, what else? Nothing else is new since yesterday other than my mom and I are back on a good track again. So I guess this is where I am going to end it!! Leave me tons of notes!! PLCG!!

.·:* Amanda *:·.