Relationship…commitment…is he ready for that?!

Stats

[listening] Crossfade “Cold”
[time] 7:10pm
[mood] Horrible
[drink it down] Nothing
[take it off] Jeans, socks, t-shirt, and a hoodie
[talking to] No one

*Sigh* Where do I start? The last entry I wrote I was saying how great things between Pete and I were. I spoke way too soon. Last night he called me. The first time since Saturday. We were talking for awhile until Momma Flossie showed up. I told him that I would call him later after I was on the road to Flo’s. He said alright. I get on the road and I call him back. We were talking and he said that Homer was trying to hook up with Irene. Now I DISPISE Irene with a passion. Anyways I asked a question, something along the lines of “Didn’t she try hookin up with all of you guys? You, Mike, Gordon, and Homer?” The he said something that crushed me to pieces. He said that him and Irene dated, but she says that she didn’t know that they were together. She went to Florida when they were “together” and she met someone down there that reminded her of Pete and that she was gonna hook up with the guy down in Florida. I remember that because Pete told me. I was in the picture when they were “together”. I got a little defensive and was like:

“Yeah, when you were with her you were still fuckin with me.”
He said: “No.”
I said: “That’s right. That was during the week or two that we stopped talking because we argued about something.”

Then I got to Momma’s house and Pete wasn’t really talking to me. Then he said something along the line that he need more beer, and he said that he only had 6 today. I think he’s forming a really bad drinking problem. That bothers me but not as much as what the next thing he said.

He said: “I gotta stop smokin weed because it makes me tired.”
I didn’t know what to say.
I said: “I thought you quit?”
He said: “Yeah many moons ago. Today I had some.”

OH, and when I talked to him on Saturday he upset me. I was talking about my little sister and he was like:

“Who’s Jessica?”
I told him and he said: “I don’t pay attention to your family because I really don’t care about them at all.”
I said: “How can you say that. My grandmother has done nothing but say how she thinks that you are the greatest thing to happen to me.”
He said: “I mean your mom, your dad, they put so much stress on you.”
I said: “Yeah that’s them, but I also have other fucking family members!!”

I wanted to cry and scream and hit him. What the fuck is he doing? He’s fucking up so bad and I don’t think he even knows it. What am I gonna do? I love him so much to tell him that anything is bothering me. I think when I call him tonight he’ll know because I am not gonna sound right. Why is he doing this? Does he not love me enough? Or does he not love me at all? Am I just fooling myself and think there is something that isn’t there? But we are so happy together when we are together. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he is Florida and I’m here? But after he says all of his ‘rude’ things to me he always says something sweet. Like last night, after he said what he said he was like:

“Alright, drive!”
I was like: “I am driving.”
He said: “No drive down here. I miss you.”

And then when I was talking to him about my mom…oh man, that’s a different story. I’ll explain later in the entry…and he was so sweet to me.

I said: “Did I do something wrong?”
He said: “No sweetie you didn’t.”
I was like: “You should give me credit though, I told her no.”
He said: “I never said I wasn’t proud of you. I am very proud that you said no to her.”

What is happening with us? One minute he’s as cold as ice and then he is sweet as ever. Is he afraid to commit or something? Afraid to love someone back? I don’t know but I wish that he’d figure it out really fuckin quick!

Anyways, about my mom. She has been giving me the silent treatment for the past 2 days. Today she actually spoke to me. Well it was more along the lines of screaming at each other. 2 days ago I got up and she was cleaning the house. I walk out of my room and I didn’t get no “Good morning Peanut” or nothing just “Can I have your keys?” That was a total mind blower to me. I was like “No what for?” And she was like “So I can go tanning” So I said “No I wanna go too.” Then she flipped out because I wouldn’t let her take my……..MINE……..car. So she gave me the silent treatment and in her bitch she was like “I’m never going to rely on anyone again. Just wait until I have my own gas for my own vehicle and that’s that!” Excuse me, if she hadn’t dranking it all up on Saturday and got so fried she didn’t know which way was left or right she would have had gas money for her vehicle. So when I got home today I walked out and I was like “Are you done giving me the silent treatment?” And she was like “Yes, but I will never ask to use your car again.” And then it broke out into a huge argument. Virgie was here and I did’t care if I embarrassed her or not in front of her friend. She fights with me in front of my friends so she can get a taste of her own medicine. Then Nicole came and she had no idea what to think, and then they left. Oh she also says that she is going to pay me $10 a week so I can go pick up her son Monday through Thursday. So yeah it’s been quite interesting.

Schools going great. I love all my classes. I had a panic attack yesterday in my Lifegaurding class though. We have to go down to the bottom of the 13 ft. pool and retrieve a 10 lbs. object and bring back to shore and it was my turn to do it. I got half way down there and realized I couldn’t breath so I opened my mouth and inhaled under the water and got a nice mouthful of water. I got to the surface and coughed out

the water and got my breath. My whole body turned snow white and I was shaking like crazy. I was so embarrassed because everyone else got to the bottom without a problem, but I did. Other than that, it’s been great!!

Well I am gonna go this has turned into a pretty long entry. Enjoy kids and give me an input about this whole Pete situation!! Thanks a million!! (Hugs to all my faithful readers)

.·:* Amanda *:·.

Tell me what else can I do
Tell me what else can I say
The closer that I get to you
The further you push me away
Til I don’t know where to go
And I don’t know why I stay
Do you even care
Or am I some little game you play?

Are you ever gonna need me baby
Like I need you
Are you ever gonna want me baby
The way I want you to
I know that you love me
Oh baby down deep inside I know that you do
But are you ever gonna love me
The way that I love you

I never know how you feel
Cus baby I can’t read your mind
Do I just keep waiting
Or am I just wasting time

Are you ever gonna need me baby
Like I need you
Are you ever gonna want me baby
The way I want you to
I know that you love me
And oh baby down deep inside I know that you do
But are you ever gonna love me baby
Are you ever gonna love me baby
The way I love you