HELP…having DOUBTS…leave me notes!!!

[listening] The Ataris “Looking Back On Today”
[time] 1:56pm
[mood] Doubtful…*frowns*
[drink it down] Nothing
[take it off] Senior shirt and jeans…gotta go take a shower
[talking to] My mom

Oh no, here we go. I have one HUGE problem that needs to be fixed NOW!! I was talking with my mom this morning about how there is only 11 days left of 2004. She made a comment that I have done a lot of things this year, like went to my senior ball, was a senior, graduated, started college, stopped going to college, got back into college, and I made the comment that I have been seeing the same person now for a year and a half. She was like yeah, who? And I was about to say Pete, but she said it first and I said yes. Then here is the problem. She’s like “Amanda, what do you think he is doing down there?” And I had nothing to say. What if he is fucking around. I hope I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t do that to me, but this isn’t the first time I had to stop and think about this subject. The one night that I stayed at Amanda’s house and he called he was like “Amanda, I don’t want to be a whore anymore.” What is that suppose to mean to me? I have been nothing but faithful…and I know what you are going to say. “What about Gordon?” That was a fluck accident, and to me it doesn’t even exsist. I think the torcher that I have put myself through with that is pain enough, and like a lot of people have said, we weren’t/aren’t dating so I shouldn’t feel bad about anything, but I do/did. I trust Pete, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that I don’t want to get my hopes up so high to have them crash down again. I don’t know what I would do if that happened. My whole world seems to revolve around Pete. I want to do so much for him and with him that it is not funny. At the moment, for example, I am looking for a display case for him to put all of his swords in. He has like a dozen different swords and no display case, and I was telling Grami about it, and she thinks that it is a great idea. He never asked for it, I just want to give it to him. I want to give him more than what his past girlfriends couldn’t. I want to give him the chance to be able to have someone love him and it is ok for him to love back. He is so hard to get to, and so hard to get him to love someone. I think his problem is 2 things: A.) he’s afraid of commitment, and B.) he doesn’t know how to let someone love him. I mean all of his past girlfriends, that he has told me about have been really nutty. Take Sabrina for example….no offense to Homer or anything….but there’s a problem right there….Homer is dating Pete’s ex-girlfriend. It just seems like every female he has gets passed around the group. I know that I had sex with Gordon, but that was more a less a comfort thing, and to know if what I felt for Pete was real. I didn’t want to sleep with Gordon, but that was when things between Pete and were really rough and it seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me. We weren’t even suppose to have sex that night. We were just going to hang out, and he made the first move, and things just lead further. I will regret that for the rest of my life. Anyways, back on subject….Sabrina is with his best friend and she sits there and tells Pete how wonderful Homer is. I don’t think anyone would want to here how happy you are with that person best friend. It makes you feel like shit. I know, I’ve been there. She will just call him up and tell Pete how she is happy with Homer, how good he is in bed, and all that other shit. Secondly, from what he told me, all of his past girlfriends have been very clingy. He doesn’t like that. I know that. He has his “perfect” mate in mind and he shared that with me. He wants a girl that isn’t too small to the point where he can touch the side of his OWN body when he hugs them, and the he doesn’t want a girl that is too big that he can’t even connect his hands together when they hug. He told me that I am the perfect size. Not too big, but not too small neither. Just right. He can connect his hands and not touch his own body when he hugs me. He wants a girl with a good head on there shoulders, someone who knows what they want in life…I sort of know that. Then he does the “butt measure” thingy with his hands. He puts both thumbs together and from pinky to pinky is the “perfect” butt size. It makes me laugh however, because he likes my ass anyways. But we were talking one night and he said I absolutely perfect for him, granted I am not a rich millioniare but he was kidding when he said that. I don’t know. I think when I call him tonight, if he doesn’t call me first, I am going to ask him if he has slept with anyone else other than me. I don’t know what I am going to do if he says yes, but I have to know. He’ll probably ask why I am asking that question and I will tell him exactly what my mom said. It will give him another reason for him to hate my mom, granted he already hates her as it is.

Well I am gonna go for now. Gotta get a shower and then take my mom to work. Leave me notes of suggestion…PLEASE!! PLCG!!

-Amanda

und:#000020}