Till the day I die, Ill pour my heart out…to YOU

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Until the day I die, MY heart will hold a flame for you.  Waiting for you to return to be with me.  You are everything that I could ever hope for and more. 

I love you!!

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Hey everyone…how are all of us today? It was an alright day today. I been doing one of those “hide the fact your upset with a fake smile plastered on your face“ today. For some reason I‘ve been really upset. I think it still has to do with Nate. I saw him the other night when I was coming home for the store. He was walking with Chris. All I wanted to do was take the wheel and “accidentally“ hit him. After I seen him, I got flashbacks. I was thinking about how now was when stuff started getting really bad for us because I was too selfish or what have you. And then today when I was walking with Joe to Mr. Turners room he reminded me that his birthday is comming and it ever so happens to be a day after Nates. Then I got to thinking about how I crushed him the night before his birthday. That was the night that I let him go. Yeah, what a girlfriend I am! “Oh yeah, happy birthday Honey, we‘re done.” What a birthday present. I remember him crying hysterically because of what I did, the look in his eyes, the pain in his voice, and how badly he was shaking. I held him in my arms and told him that I loved him and that it wasn’t him, that it was me and I had to do what I had to do. It didn’t last long because after that weekend when he called me I got back with him. But you know, if I didn’t do that, we’d still be together and things wouldn’t have gotten as bad as they had. I know what you’re thinking…that I’m some stupid 17 year old girl who can’t let go of the past. Well I can’t and I won’t let it go. I can’t seeing that he was my first love and the person that I lost my virginity to and I won‘t because I don’t think it‘s possible for me to forget about him. I might move on and find someone new, but NO ONE will ever replace him. He was and still is a good person, he just has his priorities messed up right now. I just hope he finds what he is looking for in this giant world, and he succeeds in everything that he does. I would love nothing more than to look into his eyes. Yes I‘ll admit it right now

I MISS NATE!!

I miss him everyday!! I stare at his picture constantly and I always read what he wrote me on the back. But the good thing about having Pete in my life is that he helps me get through this without intentionally helping me. He doesn’t even know that he‘s helping me ‘get over‘, in a sense, Nate. He‘s helping me open my heart and love someone else. Him. He makes me happy, he makes me want to be better than I am, but at the same time he reassures me that its OK to be myself and that I don’t have to try so hard. But, honestly, I don’t think without him in my life I could make it. I would have lost my mind completely and I would have gone through what I wanted to do. I am just so grateful to have him in my life, and if I could only tell him this it would life a ton of pressure off my back. I want him to know all of this stuff since he doesn’t know. He means the world to me, and then some. Even though I probably don’t have all the feelings that Trishia has for him, but I would do pretty much anything for him.

Ok, I didn’t want this to be another long drawn out sappy entry, but I guess that’s what happens when you have so much on your mind. Oh well. Anyways, I called Pete last night. I missed his voice. He got upset when I let him go at midnight last night. He was saying stuff about everyone is leaving him, and I quickly came back and told him I wasn’t going any where and I would NEVER leave him. It was just good to talk to him again. I have to text him tonight later. I‘m not sure if I am going to his house this weekend or what. Speaking of his house I told him if Dan moves back in I am packing my stuff and moving out. He said that I could come and live with him since they have a spare room. He‘s such a great person. I‘m not going to say he‘s a sweet person because it just irks me when people say “aww he‘s such a sweetie“ or “aww he‘s such a sweet heart.” It bugs me!!

But enough with that. I have to go and start on some homework before court. I have to go to court tonight for Government so I get my 10 points in for this week. PLCG!!

-((Amanda))-

 

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