Learning to BREATHE

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True friends are the ones that see the hurt in your eyes when everyone else is fooled by your smile!!

Tick-Tock: 4:36pm
music: Disturbed “Remember“
Munchin on: Notta
Sippin up: Notta
Chit-Chat: No one
day dreaming: About how I didn’t upset Pete and how things are going to get so much better!!

Ok this isn’t going to be another entry of me ranting about how “shitty“ my life is. Its gonna be about something else. Well for starters, I went and had another counseling session. It went pretty good. I got so much out within such a small amount of time I feel a little bit better. But the counselor called my mom today and talked to her and told her that she is concerned about me and she set up an appointment for me and my mother to come in. So tomorrow at noon my mom and I have a counseling session. Hopefully we can resolve some of this mess. When I got home today she was like “whats going on?” And she mentioned about me cutting and she was like was it really worth it, and I told her “to be honest with you, it made me feel a little better“ and she had nothing to say about that. But then she said its probably because its winter and I have to be in the house, no ones out, theres nothing to do, and all it does is snow. She may have a good point, but I think how I am feeling is way more bigger than it being winter. I have come to realize that some of this anger that I have built up inside is from Nate. I havent brought his name up in awhile…wow!! I think it has to with the fact I was nothing but a conquest to him and I don’t know how to deal with the fact that I was persuaded into having sex with him and now I have to live with it. In other words, I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it. So I think that is also some of my problem. Then my mom…but hopefully when we do this counseling thing, it will help us.

Ok now enough with that. Guess who I talk to again…HEATHER!! She left me a note in one of my entries and then I knew it was ok for me to start and talk to her. Granted she hurt me, that will not be forgotten, but I have forgiven. I think it was pretty pathetic that we let a “little boy“ come between hers and my friendship. Ive missed talking to her and hanging with her. She is just so much fun to hang with. Anyways, shes engaged to Patrick…the marine that she was seeing last time I talked to her. CONGRADULATIONS BABY!! Im so happy for her. She needs it…its her turn to happy now!! I love you hun!!

Oh, and this is to Nathan…if he reads this…I don’t care what you say. You either are my “friend“ even though I talk to Heather or your not my friend at all. You cant control me anymore…well in reality you never could control me!! You think you brought me down…or Ill admit you did for awhile…but now that I am with someone else and he makes sure that I am top in his list and always make me realize that I am a beautiful person inside and out, and I have all my friends and family to help and support me I now have the strength to tell you to FUCK OFF!! You can sit there and wish that you could have taught me all the new things that I have experienced, but you cant and that is all youre going to do…wish!! I cant wait till you get dropped on your ass when Amanda finds out all the shit that you have done to her!! Your time is coming and when you come running back to me because you THINK that you can and Ill take you back in a heart beat, Im gonna slam the door in your face and tell you that you had your chance, and now there is no more you and me and there will never be again!! Ive put you letters, rose, bracelet, and any other reminder of you in a box and stashed it away. Im serious this time, I am all done with you!!

.:.Deep Breath.:. Well I feel better. I got that out!! This morning when I got up I had 4 text messages from Pete. He said that I could call him, but I fell asleep and hes like “I was hoping youd call ASAP cause I wanna talk to you and I miss you!!” I was like aww…then I messaged him back on my way to school and when I got outta school I messaged him again and the punk was still sleeping!! Ill talk to him later and fill him in on whats goin on!!

Well Im gonna get outta here…PLCG!!

-((Amanda))-