New favorite word – Manversation. *
I got stoned and dripped maple syrup on my keyboard while destroying some pancakes and now the N key has been sticking which if you don’t know is a super important letter.
Anyway now I pulled it off after multiple attempts to clean it, and it’s a laptop which means I won’t bother to put it back on for several months.
Fucking laptop keys. Guys. Seriously. Fuck technology shrinkage. I miss the good old days of being able to crack open a computer and be like "I don’t know what half this shit is but I know I can move it and put it back with the reasonable assumption that it won’t explode." Now it’s like, nawp sorry, I left my glasses repair kit at home, as well as my microscope and high-powered laser, so I guess I’ll just get a new iPhone.
Seriously y’all, did you know the new tiny, hard-and-expensive-to-repair technology is having a serious impact on, like, landfills n’ shit? At least that’s what… someone told me once. Whatever. Research is for people with N keys.
Bleh. Someone was writing about crosswalk anxiety today. (Like, dudes in cars refusing to go because they want to creep while she walks across the street.) I don’t know man. Sometimes I struggle with this shit because, like. I want to write about it publicly because it MATTERS, but then I also know that everyone’s like "lol stupid girls complaining that people want to have sex with them, I WOULD KILL FOR THAT LLLOLOLOLOLOLLL feminists mirite?!?" and I feel like I just don’t have the balls for it.
In part because, despite my general fear of men, there’s still idolization there. I want to impress them. I want to be "in the club," and that means not only doing manly things, but taking part in the objectification and marginalization of women.
Like, I’m not necessarily bisexual, but I recognize I have a physical attraction to women, and so when I’m with men, the only way I can be in the "cool" club is to get all "dat ass" with them. But if they’re all "dat ass" and I’m like "dat’s a human being," then I’m instantly the overly sensitive, fun-ruining bitch and I’m no longer allowed to take part in conversation. Like, it’s not super obvious, like, "go sit over there, little girl," but I’m just subtly pushed out or ignored. I see dudes do this to pretty much every woman who she shows a sign of femininity that they don’t understand. (The only kind they do understand, or at least are willing to publicize that they understand, being "dat ass.")
That’s the other issue, though. This is not ALL men. I know this. I generally avoid men like that and I try to keep my friend base pretty goddamn accepting, but it seems so fucking prevalent that even if you get together a group of reasonably intelligent and self-aware people, unless they’re actively involved in the equality movement, they still slip into "women mirite" mode.
And oftentimes the women who have been rejected from manversation slide over to one side and talk about "men mirite" and I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT EITHER. For fuck’s sake, people! Why do we have to compartmentalize conversation based on gender?! I am more than a vagina, and you are more than a penis. Do I completely invalidate every conversation I have with you as soon as you mention something I don’t understand, simply because that thing I don’t understand is associated with your gender? Like power tools, or fishing? Are you a un-person forevermore, nothing but a collection of stereotypes based on an arbitrary anatomical difference and the occasional unshared interest?
NO I FUCKING DON’T DO THAT and I deserve better in return, you fuckwits. And I’m tired of manning up my personality even more than it already is just so people don’t treat me like a child.
Fuck everything ugh now I’m angry.
In other news, Excedrin is the holy fucking grail and without it I would still be curled up in bed trying not to cry. Huzzah!
EDIT: Hmmm. How much am I actually bothered by "dat ass" in the context of… not coming up to someone and creeping? Like, I look at dudes all the time, as well as ladies, while making a conscious effort to recognize that there are people inside these bodies and the two have very little to do with each other, so treating someone like they are a body is gross, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still look at them. So where’s the line? Is expressing that attraction where it gets objectify-y? Or is it the WAY you express that attraction, i.e., "i’d hit that because she’s nothing but an ass and so I already know I’d have sex with her by default"?
I don’t know guys. I don’t know and it’s confusing in my head.
I also kinda wanna talk/write about how racist I am. Yeaahhhh. Unintentional racism for the lose, guys. :/
EDIT 2: So I’m trying to make a new friend and she wants me to go to a salsa dancing class with her and you guys. I am having like. A meltdown. I feel like I can’t do it but I feel like not doing these things means not having friends but I also feel like… I need to know you better before I can do things like that with you? And we’ve never hung out but it’s so hard to explain that to someone. Like, I can’t do it with you now but maybe in a month?
I’m gonna try, uh. Being honest. Ugh fuck you guys it’s so hard to just admit that you’re having social anxiety issues. Because then they Know. You’re one of Those People Who Won’t Do Fun Things because of your Fears. And everybody makes assumptions about that person and judges them silently (but not openly because they’re afraid to crush my fragile socially awkward feelings) and she might NEVER WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME NOW and that’s a risk I have to take because I really. I’m really really afraid, you guys. I’d be essentially EXCLUSIVELY with strangers (I’ve talked to this girl at work thrice) doing something I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA HOW TO DO, in a scenario when someone else who’s also learning is relying on my ability to at least not utterly fail and they’re going to be touching me and making eye contact AUGH.
Aghdgfdskjghs no. Not tonight. I can’t. I just… could probably never do that. I need SOME kind of homing beacon. A close friend or family member. I can’t just… do that shit augh I wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid and scared all the time.
So I told her I think I’m having too much anxiety about it with some silliness and caps lock in there and I hope she can pick up the tone of vulnerability wrapped in light self-deprecation and doesn’t hateme now but I haven’t heard back and she’s been an instant responder until now BALLS.
Fuck this I am gonna stay in my cave and cry forever
I never thought about it but I guess I’m sorta that “dat ass” way w men too. Then again I am bi, so they sorta expect (and encourage) it but there’s always that part of me that has to be like, whoa slow down fellas relax it’s just a girl she isn’t just man meat.
Warning Comment
I don’t know for certain if that’s actually happening, but it’s my *perception* and it makes me anxious as fuck. I get anxious when strangers stare at me period (for any reason – unless they’re supposed to, like I’m on stage or presenting something, etc). I get anxious crossing the street in front of women too, simply because there’s nothing else for them to *do* except watch, because I’m in theirway and they’re waiting for me. But when it’s dudes in the car, that makes it even worse because I can’t help feeling like I’m being scoped. I don’t think it has anything to do with how *I* look – as I said in my entry, I think this happens to EVERY female who isn’t 300 pounds or 90 years old, because guys are ALWAYS scoping women ALL the time. Because it’s a POWER thing. The whole “Quit complaining, I would kill for that!” thing doesn’t apply here in my opinion, because it’s not dudes with standards who do it (therefore it has no meaning). It’s not cute boys approaching me in the coffee shop to tell me they like the same book I’m reading… I’d kill for THAT. It’s middle aged men with beer guts leering at *every* woman who passes.
Warning Comment
If I’m just flat-out wrong about this, and these creepers do have standards and only make the pretty girls feel like they’re about to get dragged into an alley way, well, then… I don’t know what to do with that information. Because it’s still never attractive, personable guys who want my attention. If I was at a party or whatnot and my hot friend was being crowded by All The Dudes and I was overhere being the ugly duckling ignored by Everyone, yes, that would make me feel sad. But I’m under the impression that the guys who hit on random girls on the *street* probably do it to *everyone.*
Warning Comment
It’s not okay for attractive guys to do it either. I’m just showing the difference between a situation where someone might WANT attention (like if they’re out at a party or whatnot TRYING to be flirted with and WANT to meet someone – then yes, it would feel sad to be ignored), and a situation where they definitely do NOT want it (like the goddamn bus or while walking home.) I don’t think these girls would actually “kill for that” if it made them feel as freaked out and scared and unsafe as it does others. That’s not a wanted form of attention.
Warning Comment
Like, I look at dudes all the time, as well as ladies, while making a conscious effort to recognize that there are people inside these bodies i’ve been thinking about that difference for a long time, and i still can’t figure it out. as a person on the receiving end of attention, the way a dude expresses his passing attraction to me makes all the difference: is he leering at my ass, or did he look me in the eyes and shyly smile? it’s like, can you integrate multiple brain inputs — the matey part of your brain telling you a woman is hella fine, and the cortex telling you she’s a human being with thoughts and feelings of her own — and integrate those into one reaction that conveys interest and also respect?
Warning Comment
I forgot to respond to the part about marginalizing women to get in the cool club… I have definitely noticed this phenomenon. Not just about checking women out, but things even more offensive to me like “haha yeah women are such bitches” or “yeah women are too emotional, lol shut up ya crybabies, am i right”. It makes me really sad, and angry – not at you, but that this is a THING that a LOT ofwomen feel they have to do. The fact that they “have to do it” is what makes me so mad, that women can’t be respected for being women unless they’re shit-talking other women. What the FUCK. I’ve done it myself in the past, and now that I’m conscious of it I don’t ever want to do it again. The fact that women are considered “cooler” for shit-talking their own gender is just a reaffirmation of misogyny, and it’s disgusting. Again, this isn’t aimed at you, this is aimed at the fact that it works, that men encourage it, and that is so upsetting to me.
Warning Comment
(So many notes!! Agghh! 😛 ) As for the “dat ass” thing, that doesn’t bother me as much… to a degree, anyway. If someone is being obvious about it (i.e. leering), or saying things directly to them (“hey baby come home with me”), that upsets me a lot. It also upsets me if a group of guys is going on and *on* with flat-out degrading shit, or making any kind of joke or comment about womenbeing only good for sex and nothing else.
Warning Comment
I love this entry so much that I wish I could hug it and never let go. I’ve wanted to write something along these lines for a long time, but I keep getting shy. I… I am honored to be in your diary’s presence right now. I wish I could say more, but I have to go to work.
Warning Comment
Haha! I don’t know why they don’t show up? I don’t write often, so that could be why.. Hello 🙂 Luckily my diary that had over 1k entries, I deleted years ago (it was random garbage from high school, although I do regret deleting it sometimes), so I only had about 250 entries to download. I’ve had this current one (and its combined diaries that merged into it) since about 2002 Ithink, but I just lost the will to write when OD deleted all my notes from the old diary :/
Warning Comment
I really like this entry. Really really. Also really like the word “mirite” a lot, a lot a lot. ~I’ll be
Warning Comment
In my brain I’m like a 12 year old child, and the men I work with are in their 40s and up so I always think like, they just look at me like a little kid. And that works for me. Until another co-worker mentions the stupid bug eye’d face a man makes when I wear a skirt to work… Ew.
Warning Comment
So the girl took me to see Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses. Nerdy, classy stuff. She says to me, “This is the kind of place you can meet people!” I say, “Are you kidding?” People are scary. On the other hand, I love dancing.
Warning Comment
within rape culture and hook-up culture there is a lot of overlap, within this gray area there there are a lot of Blurred Lines #thicke
Warning Comment
Ahhhhh, loving every bit of conversation you’re having here with us! I am totally with you on the hatred of objectification though willingly indulging in it every now and then at the same time. I think that, ultimately, sexuality is a private thing and when it is expressed in that “dat ass” way, then it becomes a public and uncomfortable thing. Something none of us really want to, or need to hearor witness. I had a lesbian friend once, who would literally pant and sigh at seeing women walk past. It was disgusting. And I was bisexual at the time, and could appreciate THOSE SAME WOMEN – just somehow, my appreciation was different. Yes, I thought they were hot. But was I acting like they were just a piece of meat? Expressing it? No. I am TOTALLY with you on the whole thing. I think it does come down to the expression of it, and whether it’s appropriate to express it. And no, I really don’t think it is appropriate to express it. It’s gross. Lol. And wow, major insight into social awkwardness. I am a hugely social person and it is very interesting to see it from your perspective 🙂 And look, if she genuinely seeks your friendship – she will be able to suggest somethin
Warning Comment
something else next time – or maybe you could suggest something else yourself. As social as I am – I have to admit that I wouldn’t like to go ballroom dancing with someone I was getting to know either. Some people like to get to know a new friend through doing activities – while other people (and this is me) like to get to know someone through conversation over a cup of coffee. Everyone is different. Hopefully you and this new friend can find something you both enjoy.
Warning Comment
Just read the edit about the salsa dancing friend. Awww Jess 🙁 I know exactly how you feel. You’re not obligated to do these big crowd activities with someone you don’t know – like Sayda said, everyone likes to get to know people differently, and the coffee date is a PERFECTLY valid one. There’s no need to give a big explanation about it, just tell the person you prefer to get to know them over coffee and conversation first. You don’t need to explain it any further, and if they harass you about – “awww come onnnnn why nottttt” – then they’re probably not gonna be a good friend match anyway. (I know you already sent a message to this girl but in case it happens again in the future, with her or someone else.)
Warning Comment
I have a key on my laptop that keeps popping off at random times. Do you know what key it is? THE FUCKING “E” KEY, BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS. It really pisses me off beyond all reason.
Warning Comment
re: Did you end up going to the salsa class, or doing something else?
Warning Comment
I mean, if you were in charge of designing a keyboard, wouldn’t it seem like a good idea to reinforce the most popular letters??
Warning Comment