Draft–The Word “Gay” *Post’d

Here’s a thing I’m trying to write that I have to post publicly by tomorrow, because I made a goal and now I’m sticking to it.

EDIT: Here’s the completed version.  Don’t bother if you’ve already read this entry.  It’s practically identical, minus (most) typos and plus a couple clarifications.  I think.  I don’t even remember now.

SUP FOLKS.

I’ve been thinking a lot about association lately!

I do data entry right now, and I use this system called CACTUS, which probably stands for something, I guess. I could maybe care less about this subject if someone chloroformed me right now.  But whatever, it’s got a cute little cactus as its icon, and now I HATE THE DESERT.

Not really, but I’m less jazzed about it than I was two months ago.  This job’s not even bad, man!  It’s just kind of boring and monotonous and work-y, and what used to be my favorite plant currently makes me think about spreadsheets and error messages and number memorization and PCPs and specialists and spreadsheets,  SPREADSHEETS, AUGHHHGHHGHH FUCK THE SPREADSHEETS AND FUCK SUCCULENT PLANTS.  

Here’s one:  I hate the phrase "sack lunch" because it reminds me of being the loser kid  who was brown baggin’ it while all the other kids ate pizza from the cafeteria, and they were all, "HA HA, YOU’RE TOO POOR FOR SCHOOL LUNCH," so I beat the shit out of them, and by that I mean cried in the corner while they pointed and laughed.

Use the phrase "sack lunch" around me and I will cut you.

Or cry.  Yeah.  Okay.  Probably cry.

Here’s another one: LOTS of people hate the word "moist," and I think that’s because tons of gross things are moist.  Like fungus, or feet right after you take your shoes off, or disembodied flesh, or moldy sponges, or mold in general, or YEAH.  You get the point.  Grossnasty things.  Things that make you want to not ever touch things ever again EVER.  Moist moist moist.  

Moist.

You’re welcome.

So it makes me wonder, guys.  Makes me wonder how so many people can use the word "gay" as an insult, and claim they don’t associate it with homosexuality.

I’m no exception, y’all.  I was on that bandwagon for a LONG time.  I was raised on the word "gay" as nothing more than an expression of general distaste, dislike, or frustration.  Coldplay? Gay.  The store is out of my favorite ice cream?  Ugh, gay.  This show is sold out of tickets?  GAY, GAY, GAY.

(Ha ha, just kidding, I never go to shows.)

And if you use the word in lots of negative contexts, it’s easy to forget what it means.  It’s even easier to convince yourself that those origins are not a reflection of your thoughts.  I genuinely didn’t believe I associated "gay," with homosexuality when I was using it to talk about things I don’t like.  It was just another random string of letters in my mind that I could wield to express my anger.  But I didn’t hate gay people.

In FACT, I remember when I started using "homosexual" instead, because oh-so-ironic Teen Jess thought it was hilarious.  Because, like, OBVIOUSLY that’s not how I mean it when I say it, right?  That would be stupid, I’m not homophobic!  That’s why it’s funny!  That’s the joke, guys, is that I’m SUPER ACCEPTING.  So accepting I can make fun of how hateful this word might sound if some other, hateful person was using it!  Ha ha!

But what else could it possibly mean?  When this started, we sure as shit weren’t hating on synonyms for "happy," were we?  Be honest.  "Gay" became an insult because it was cool to hate gay people.  Not even just acceptable, but fucking trendy, man.

And, as it turns out, "but that’s not what I mean by it" is not an acceptable argument for continuing to use a term that was born out of hate.

Is there a better way to explain this?  

Okay, what if we picked a racial word instead of a sexual orientation?  "Boy, this traffic jam sure is Mexican, am I right guys?!"

No.  Just no.  I cringed typing that.  I’ve cringed typing a lot of this, honestly.

So tell me, why the FUCK is "gay" still so widely accepted?  I feel like every generation makes exceptions for their own bigoted behavior, because hey, it’s better than it was in the ’50s, right?  I mean, it’s not cool to use RACIST terms, of course.  We’re not monsters.  Let’s just insult gay people!  And women!  And fat people!  And sluts!  And pretty much anyone who doesn’t fit into our tiny little box, which now grudgingly includes other races, but not other lifestyles or body types or sexual preferences!  YAY FOR THE BOX!

(Ha ha, yay for the box.  I didn’t mean for that to sound dirty but now I do.)

I mean, sure, it’s okay to be gay and all, but I can still use the word to describe everything I hate, right?  It’s not homophobic!  I don’t mean you, of course.  I certainly don’t connect the two meanings in my mind, and if other people do, that’s their problem.

No.  No no no no no no no no no.  That is NOT HOW IT WORKS.

It’s hard not to get frustrated with people or not understanding, but it’s not fair, because I didn’t understand for a long time.  Shit, when was the last time I dropped the G-bomb?  Less than two years ago, I think.  I remember it pretty clearly, because I’d been doing really well with it, but it popped out of my face before I knew what was happening and I hoped no one heard me because, well, fuck.  It’s a habit, man.  It’s a habit I didn’t even know I had until someone explained to me why it was such a shitty thing to say.  And even after that, it took me a good year and lots of conscious effort to purge it from my vocabulary.

It’s a slow process, this whole "not being an asshole" thing.  I’m still struggling with words like "retarded" and "pussy."  (Is asshole okay?  I’m pretty sure asshole is okay.  If there’s an Anus Rights Movement, please let me know.)  Actually I’m struggling in particular with "pussy," because there’s not really another, non-sexist word to use in its place.  It still comes out sometimes, and I don’t like it, but this is where I’m at right now.  I’m trying, and that’s the best anyone can do.  

How many hateful things do I say and feel that I haven’t even thought to add to the list yet?  

Actually, just a few months ago, I realized I always put on a (terrible) southern accent when I’m saying something intentionally stupid.  What the fuck, man?  That’s not okay.  so I’m trying to cut that shit out, but sometimes I forget.  (Also known as: Sometimes I drink)

My point here is not to hate on the people who use this word, or any other word, because I know most of y’all truly don’t mean to be hurtful or hateful.  Neit

her do I, but that’s exactly what it is, no matter which way you spin it.

‘course, even as I write this, I can hear the peeps from my old internet community, saying I have a sandy vagina, or I must be on the rag, or whatever fucked up degrading things you can say about someone’s genitalia simply because you want to invalidate their point.  And hey, BONUS, you can make them hate themselves so they never raise it again!

But it’s okay, because you don’t REALLY mean it, right?

Yeah.  Except you say something enough times, you start to believe it.  Your words become your intention, so whether or not you "really mean it" doesn’t really mean anything.

That’s all I got tonight, folks.  Please let me know if it’s terrible–though if I’m gonna be a grownup, I have to post it either way.