No Editing For Yooouuuuuuu *

(‘cept this one: I talk about crotchblood in this, so, forewarning) 

I am CAPTAIN CRANKENSTEIN TODAY.

My boss, who works in the cube next to me, is not there.  And her work phone is blowing up.  And now her cell phone is blowing up.  Apparently something urgent is happening.  All I care about is that it’s loud and annoying, as is the rhythmic thunking coming from below me that is making me even angrier than I was already.

Kinda hate these moods.  Especially when they correspond to my vagina bleeding, because, ya know, that’s APPARENTLY not a real thing.  Like, the actual cycle works differently than the way we talk about it.  PMS is kind of a lie, y’all.

It’s not that your hormonal cycles can’t change your mood, because obvs, HORMONES, but that the week before your period doesn’t correlate with a spike in hormones that would actually cause that.  It happens during other times of the month.

Anyway whatever, my crotch is bleeding and I also happen to be full of rage for the first time in a while.  And these things have nothing hormonal to do with each other, but you add a smidge of pain and blood loss to an already bad mood, and it’s probably gonna exacerbate it.

Before y’all climb all up in my junk, I know that the science I’m talkin’ bout was probably done by dudes and they don’t know what it’s like etc. etc, but tbh I’m more likely to believe science over what people tell me I guess, simply because psychosomatic stuff is SO CRAZY POWERFUL and ever since we’re little youngsters, we’re told we’re supposed to get super cranky before we bleed, so I feel like that’s more likely the cause than anything else.

I’m not saying it’s not happening.  I mean.  It IS happening.  Just like everything psychosomatic is actually happening, like how stress can kill us just because we think about our problems too much.  It’s totally real and I don’t want to undermine anyone’s feelings by claiming you’re not really having mood issues because you ARE, just like I am right now.  I’m just saying the source is a little blurry, scientifically speaking.

I dunno though, I don’t really get PMS symptoms, except about an hour or two before when I’m like “cramps, wut wut, must be about to happen!”  So what the fuck am I talking about, really.  Something that doesn’t really apply to me, that’s what.

I think maybe I get angry when I wake up and it’s like, oh awesome, welcome to the rest of my day, plus no sex this week, HOORAY.  Not that I was gonna get laid anyway, but a girl can dream!  Unless she’s bleeding!  Thanks for stealing my dreams, BODY.

Oh awesome, my boss got back and I guess someone was blowing up her phone(s) to ask her arbitrary questions about what’s in her fucking kitchen cabinets, I guess?

Oh no, they’re talking about the grocery store.

Thanks for calling her work phone 3 times and her cell phone twice because your grocery question was that fucking urgent.

They talked about groceries for like 20 minutes earlier, too.  Like, was that not enough grocery talk, for serious?

She’s retiring in a month.  I surely can’t blame her for slacking off at work because I’d do the same damn thing but HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE TO LIST OFF VARIOUS INGREDIENTS?!?!

WHY DOES IT MATTER TO ME it really shouldn’t, guys.  Just like it shouldn’t matter that Outlook has forced a restart 3 times now, or that the annoying shit I worked on for 3 hours yesterday is inexplicably not as done as it’s supposed to be, and I don’t know what I’m

Oh

My

GOD

They just hung up, and she just called whoeverthefuck back THIRTY SECONDS LATER to talk about BLUE CHEESE WTF

Oh now a coworker has come over and they’re talking about cats and blankets

FRITOS WILL FIX IT

Not gonna lie, Fritos are kinda fixing it.

Aaaaaand now I just e-mailed my time card to myself so I can send it to work and get paid this week and then when I got back, Outlook was totally broken and won’t even open this time.  Computer restart didn’t help.  Yay.

I could go on lunch, I guess, but I just ate a lot of Fritos and butter mints so I’m not really hungry so much as slightly nauseous from all the grease.

I love it when I buy shit like this at the drug store, and I get weird looks that I can only assume equate to, “wtf this is some bullshit she should be like 800 million pounds the way she eats.”

The reason for that is TWOFOLD:

 

1.  Genetics, bitches

2.  I really only eat like may

be 1200 calories a day because I don’t get hungry because I’m constantly pumping caffeine and nicotine (okay not constantly with the nicotine but often enough to mess with things in my body), which is also probably why I don’t sleep, but hey-o, it means I can eat Fritos and butter mints for lunch and everyone gets mad at me for not gaining weight.

 

Speaking of, I’m really goddamn tired of people being like “oh I don’t hate fat people, I’m just concerned about their health.”

Hahahahahaha yeah sure dude.  Sure.  So why the fuck don’t you rag on ME?  I never even TRY to eat healthy anymore.  I LITERALLY ATE FRITOS AND BUTTER MINTS AND COCA COLA FOR LUNCH YESTERDAY.  I am slowly killing myself, but you don’t treat ME like I’m not quite up to the ranking of “human being,” simply because my bad habits don’t change the shape of my body?   Fuck you fuck you fuck you all.

The wind last night sounded like a screaming child and it gave me nightmares.

I wish I was a dinosaur.

Goodnight, sweet prince(ss)(es).

 

 

EDIT (ironically):  DW insisted on taking me out for dinner on my birthday, and just canceled on me to work, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay