Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
I know it’s a bad sign when I don’t wanna write about something. So I’ll make myself do it anyway, yay!
Hung out with DW last night. I had every intention of just, ya know, being normal. I didn’t feel particularly upset, though I also wasn’t that into seeing him either. I dunno. But I did. He was at the beer n’ wine bar right near my apartment. Popped in. Exchanged generic hellos and how-have-you-beens, and I dunno. I was polite and nice and energetic, and within an hour he told me he felt like I was different, that I’d disengaged from him, and a couple hours after that, he told me he felt like I wasn’t attracted to him anymore.
So basically, despite the fact that I was in a good mood and felt like I showed no signs of the change in my head, he instantly picked up on it and saw everything I didn’t want him to see.
Deflect deflect deflect, say you just feel different IN GENERAL, and talk about how your birthday does this sometimes and throw around some intellectual-sounding bullshit that, in retrospect, was all very much true, but what I failed to mention was that the incident this weekend is what triggered it all. The realization that I mattered less to him than most things, that I was forgettable and easily shoved aside, made me realize that’s how I SHOULD feel about him. Because we’re freaking not that compatible, man. We’re just not, and it doesn’t make sense to keep obsessing over someone I don’t even like hanging out with that much when he’s around. Why this obsession with seeing him when I don’t have anything to say to him when he shows up?
This isn’t a vengeful “if you don’t care THEN I WON’T” kind of thing. Though it started out that way, at least in part. I stopped feeling angry and… Well. Stopped feeling, I guess. I just stopped feeling. And how do you freaking battle that? How do you talk it out?
I guess that’s why I didn’t try to have that conversation last night. Because I just… Because I just don’t care about working things out right now.
And he saw that IMMEDIATELY. Even though I was letting him touch me and kiss me and occasionally initiated contact last night. Apparently there was something in the subtlety. And shit, I felt it too, of course I did. It’s just so weird that he picked up on it. But I guess sometimes you can just tell when someone’s shifted away from you. And he picks up on this shit faster and better than anyone I’ve ever met. Tells me EXACTLY what I’m feeling before I’ve said a damn word.
It was silly of me to think I could hide it.
I could tell just from the way I comforted him that I was disengaged. Normally, hearing shit like that would hurt me. I would want to help, but simultaneously want to cry because I don’t want to make anyone feel that way. I don’t want people to think bad things about me. It’s the freakin’ worst.
But instead of being sad, I was simply comforting. Told him I was still attracted to him, held his face between my hands and kissed his forehead and pulled him in close, and it all felt so calculated. A dance to which I’d memorized all the steps, and recited perfectly, but there just wasn’t any music playing.
Something has changed, and I don’t know if it will ever change back. But on the plus side, the change itself has caused me to not care about the change.
This isn’t like other times, when my apathy towards someone leads to instant disgust, to a cringing away from every touch, annoyance at every turn of phrase, until I have to end it just so I’m not tortured by their presence anymore.
This is weird, because I’m not attracted and I’m not disgusted. I’m just here. And if he’s here too, it won’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.
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In other news, NINTENDRUNKS TONIGHT!
Considering the fact that I’m already hung over, this might go badly, but fuggit! SAKE AND ACTRAISER!<
/o:p>
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Ohhh shit Nintendrunks. I knew I’d been forgetting something. Um, you have a Facebook message!
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I find that when I learn that someone isn’t that into me, in whatever way, it turns off my own desire for them. I can’t feel attracted to or excited about someone more than they are towards me. e.g. I remember when I first met Michael (the current beau), and at first I craved to kiss him hello and good bye in a passionate way, how I would with anyone I am attracted to. But he was so repeatedlyreticent about those passionate greetings (preferring just a chaste, quick peck with hands on my shoulders), that my passion stopped when I registered that it wasn’t going to change (after 3 dates), even though he was passionate in private (only when we were in a room with a bed, to do the act). Yes, I still enjoy being with him that way privately, but when he greets me – I just respond in kind, the brief peck, no special excitement about seeing him. I’m just totally mirroring him, with no desire for more whatsoever. However – I *think* that the first time I did that – I detected an expression of surprise on his face. (Hello, peck, ok let’s start walking, no lingering, hugging etc.). Even tho HE wouldn’t have wanted more, he could tell *I* had changed.
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Well? What I say to that? TOUGH! You can’t be the one who holds back and keeps things at a lower level of connection and expect your partner to keep trying to push it to a higher level, and then be surprised when they don’t, and just withdraw to the same level. It’s like they aren’t that into you, but they enjoy the fawning and pushing desire when someone keeps asking for more anyway. Similarly, when I was married, my ex was a huge whining baby about things, always trying to cancel our plans because of his depression etc., and it was my response to ALWAYS push him to get us out the door, and convince him we had to keep our plans, he’d feel better when out of the house etc. After years of that, I gave up. We had plans, he started in with the whining and complaining and how he didn’t want to do it, and I didn’t resist. I said “ok, let’s turn around and go home”. He immediately picked up on the change and got scared, he could tell something was up. So in a way – it was a stupid GAME. He WANTED me to be the more invested partner. My point is, I think some people feed on having others pick up the slack. But you and I ENABLE that. (Until we stop).
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