Weekend * *

Sup guys!

I’m having some issues today over some of the stupidest sources of anxiety EVER, but I’m anxious enough about it that I don’t want to talk about it directly so I’m not going to.  I’ll just say… This weekend was mostly fun, somewhat dull, and though I liked DW’s friends a lot…  I don’t see myself ever "clicking" with any of them.  Except maybe one, but meh.

They’re just a bit too into their gender roles for me.  Despite being very open and accepting people, they kinda… Well.  They’re in the cabin.  The women cook and the men grill dat shit and, you know.  Then the women go off and do their thing and the men go off and do their thing and I kind of don’t click with The Ladies as much but the dudes are in their Dude Club and, quite honestly, I don’t have much in common with them either, so I found myself awkwardly bouncing between two groups that don’t generally work for me and there were stupid moments where I felt like everyone knew what an awkward idiot I am, but I was nowhere NEAR the most fucked up person there so I can’t even imagine that anyone will fucking remember the few stupid things I did.  But my brain.  My brain went into Teenage Mode at some point and I can’t quite shake it off.

I know part of it is that being rejected from the Man’s Club (even if I don’t want to be in it) feels like my dad doing the whole "oh look, the little girl’s trying to be a real person" shit and it triggers all these feelings of inferiority and worthlessness that just.  I don’t know.  It rains down on me from time to time and I can’t make it stop even though I know it’s just in my head.

I just feel that way today.  And I don’t want to, because I know it makes it harder to interact with people every time I get this way.  Every time I let stupid shit trigger the trauma, I feel more uncomfortable the next time I have to be in the same room as them.

But I doubt I’ll be in the same room as them very often in the future, so it’s all good.

The girl who wanted to be my friend shanghaied me the minute I got there and, ya know, kept pulling me away from the group so she could… Kinda talk shit about people? Not talk shit, exactly, but.  Just kind of.  And do the whole "boys, am i right?!" and "girls are like this" and I just.  I don’t feel like I fit into her category.  Yeah, I’m submissive, but like.  I don’t know.  I also LIKE being submissive.  I like taking a back seat, whereas I feel like she resents it when her opinion isn’t asked for/taken into heavy consideration, but she’s afraid to state her opinions anyway.  And to top it off, she seems to expect people to intuit this and somehow give her more control–control that makes her panic because she doesn’t want the responsibility.

She’s very very sweet and cute but oh wow, sensitive, and y’all know me.  Blunt as a fucking whale, and I don’t get along very well with people who can’t take the truth when it’s fired at their faces at high speeds from my mouth-cannon.

She might like me now, but I get the distinct feeling I’ll be one of the people she’s bitching about in a couple months.

And the only person there who gets my sense of humor is her husband.  Also the only one who, uh, talks.  With his words.  Holy shit there was a lot of awkward silence when he wasn’t around.  Goddamn.  Get a group full of socially anxious people together and just TRY not to drink yourself to death.

Speaking of: One dude, some new-ish friend of the cabin owners’… Yeah, he’s basically the kind of dude I hung out with in the U District.  He was at the Cloud Cult concert and I recognized his type instantly.  Granted, I’d just run into one of the fuckers I used to know.  Ya know, the guy who threatened to stab my friend?  Oh maybe you don’t know, but fuck that guy.  Saw him before the concert, had a panic attack, and then all of DW’s friends walk up while I’m in the middle of clutching my chest and trying not to pass out.  HOORAY.  I think I kinda sorta pulled it off maybe?  No one seemed to be asking DW if I was crazy, or at least if they did, he didn’t mention it.

Wtf is my point OH YEAH.  So the guy might as well be one of the homeless peeps I used to chill with, so not-entirely-unexpectedly, he drank almost an entire MOTHERFUCKING HUGE bottle of whiskey.  I just looked it up to see if I could find a picture of the same bottle, but apparently it’s shameful enough to buy such a large bottle of whiskey that no one takes pictures of it.

I think it was ABOUT this size:

 

Which is, what?  WELL over a liter, closer to 2.

Anyway, that baby had about 1/4th left in it by the end of the night, and I’m not sure if he started on it that day or the day before, but it was over half full when I got there at… Like 7 PM?

Literally no one else was drinking from it, FYI.

He’s also rolling joints about once every… 20-40 minutes, I think, and there reaches a point where he’s so drunk he’s not even letting anyone speak.  He knew everything about everything and any single word that popped into conversation was an excuse for him to talk about how he knows everything and no one else knows anything and holy shit it was annoying.  We just kinda stopped listening eventually.

Oh man.  Actually about an hour after I got there, and he was already pretty deep into the bottle, he was telling some story about… fuck man, I don’t even know.  Anyway, I thought he was talking to someone else because I’d tuned into a conversation DW was having elsewhere something like 2 minutes previous, and then I look over and he’s looking directly at me and no one else is even close enough to engage in that conversation.  And he had no idea I wasn’t listening.  So I was like… Well.  This guy’s super annoying.  Good thing I already know he doesn’t care if I’m paying attention!  So I mostly ignored him for the rest of the night, aside from the occasional nod in his direction, or affirmative grunt.

BUT. Something snapped and suddenly he felt bad because he noticed everyone was not-so-secretly mocking him (ugh, it got pretty bad and I didn’t want to be a part of it so I opted out, but still laughed because I’m an asshole that way), and he had a mini-meltdown and started spewing his childhood traumas onto DW, who was quite wasted himself and can’t remember a single thing he said to him, and I just kinda watched and was super happy I wasn’t on the receiving end of the Crazy Spout for fucking once.  Ha HA, bitches, I PAID my toll, and now I’m never listening to an alcoholic weep about his bullshit unless I absolutely have to.  I mean, if there’s ever a hostage situation and a hobo has the gun, I’ll take that shit over because I’ve practiced these skills, but I am not signing myself up for that unless lives are at stake.

Anyhoo, Not-Homeless passed out in a lawn chair, but apparently came into the cabin a couple hours later (he was camping a little bit away from us) making weird moaning noises.  I missed this due to earplugs.&nbs

p; Apparently the dude who owns the place had to kick his ass out and walk him back to his tent.

He somehow lost one boot that night.  Never found it.

Didn’t really make contact with his dignity again, either, but I sincerely wish him the best in finding it.

 

EDIT: Just finished my first edited vlog.  Guys.  Whoa.  I don’t even know what is happening right now.

 

EDIt 2: Okay so "finished" was a mild exaggeration, but like, 90% done.

Problem is, I have to make a few edits, save it as a video, and then use THAT video to make more edits.  Why?  Because my computer is a giant dickhole, and once a movie project gets to a certain number of chunks, it’s like "hey lolz i’m gonna lag like hell in loading the video between every cut ha ha ha fuck you."

Not only that, but when starting the video at a cut I just made, there’s like, a couple milliseconds’ delay before it starts playing audio/video.  Which means none of my cuts are as tight as I thought they were, due to MOTHERFUCKING VIDEO LAG.

Also I have a cold and I want to punch everyone.