Hip Hop Rage

So whatever, we talked about it and didn’t finish the conversation.  I want to write about this zero percent but whatever, it usually comes out anyway.  Short version: Didn’t end it, might soon, he thinks I always want more than he gives, he’s glad I brought it up but still views it as me asking him for more than he’s willing to give me, so, yay.  Whatever.  There was other stuff and some of it was good but I just don’t give a fuck right now.

We got food, which I am eating now because I instantly lost my appetite when, you know, we talked about shit.

It’s goodbad, because I wound up slurring drunk on two beers wtf jess please start eating real food throughout the day, but also I get to eat it for lunch, which I wasn’t gonna get to do due to missing wallet.

Which, after literally 10 attempts to get the shitty stupid Metro menu to work so I could get through to a person (every sound was interpreted as a word that it couldn’t understand, including my movement to hit * and turn off the fucking word recognition, and then when I finally got through menu #1, there was a second menu, and then I got through that after being cut off randomly TWICE, and it was like “sorry no agents available, we’re sending you back to the first menu” AAAAAUUUGGGGHHH HIP HOP RAGE), I discovered was returned!  AND, the station where I’m picking it up is like less than two blocks from where my brother works, WHICH IS WHERE I WAS GOING AFTER WORK ANYWAY HOLY SNAP.

I have to run my ass off to get there before they close, but meh.

So that’s one weight off my shoulders, and another one decidedly on it that I knew would be there the minute I brought this shit up with him, but hey, he told me he couldn’t handle being with me if I wasn’t gonna tell him, so yeah, I told him and then he said I ask for more than he wants to give so really I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID IT AT ALL but whatever.

Whatever.

Better to say it and find out the truth than not.

I guess that’s how he feels about me.  That I’m always wanting more.

I’m the clingy crazy girl, yaaaaay.  I think I’d rather be alone.  I think that’s what I’m leaning toward.

I’m not even really sad about it right now?  But I know it’s gonna hurt like a sumbitch to make the cut, to know it’s because he didn’t want me as much as I wanted him, to know he thinks I’m that cliché woman always asking for a commitment even though I’ve never done that, but oh, I wanted him to love me so here I am, his ex-wife all over again, right?

But it has nothing to do with THAT, it’s just a FEELING that he PICKS UP and won’t elaborate on, and since he trusts feelings over words, I can never convince him of anything else and trying would just make it hurt more and more until there’s nothing left but hurt and I’d rather fucking saw off my arm than turn another relationship into a constant source of negativity.  I’d rather it just be over while I still have some positive feelings about it.  Quit while you’re… less behind than you will be soon.

I’m probably never gonna have great sex again but fuck it, some things are more important, like that tiny scrap of dignity I’ve been clinging to for years that this relationship is playing tug-of-war with.

Whatevs.  Getting drunk with my brother tonight.  Gonna play some mad Pac-Man 2.  Gotta pretend I’m capable of being funny today.  Fake it till you fuck it up, as they say, maybe.

Apparently contractions aren’t words anymore.  Thanks Chrome.  You really have my back today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

HIP HOP RAGE