post-training thoughts

Re: I know you meant well and were trying to help/sympathize, but please, please, don’t psychoanalyze me, because it’s no secret that I’m insecure and jealous, so having the obvious pointed out to me just makes me feel bad. I’m not trying to fix my feels. My feels are irrational and always will be, despite what I know. I don’t think he has feelings for her, what I think is that he fucked up my head when he told me she was his sister and insisted on wearing his wedding ring when we were first dating, so memories of that are always going to be ugly and negative and sad. That’s what hurts me, not any thought that he might have feelings for her. But yeah, anyway, it just makes me feel bad to be told “Have you thought maybe you’re insecure?” Because yes, always. It’s not a secret. I’m sincerely sorry if I sound like I’m lashing out, but it *does* make me feel emotional so I’m trying my best to say this without sounding attacky.

re: It’s okay. Thank you for wanting to help, you’re a caring friend. <3 I know it’s all internal and “it’s not what happens to us, it’s how we perceive it,” all that stuff. But I honestly don’t know how to perceive it any other way. And I’ve spent YEARS trying to change my brain to a more rational, less jealous, less past-dwelling brain, and it just hasn’t worked, and trying to change it just makes me feel ashamed, like I’m bad or wrong for not being able to, so I’m doing away with that and just accepting that these are my feelings. It’s possible that over time it’ll feel better (not because my opinions on it will have changed but because I’ll just be used to it), but I do worry that it won’t.

(By *years* I mean I’ve been struggling with insecurity BEFORE Craig. Though I did meet Craig almost 2 years ago.)