Unedited Bullshit: Dream Edition

Sup, dudes.

I’m exhausted.

I woke up from a dream about an evil clown, but I never saw the fucking thing.  I was simultaneously making DW watch a movie about evil clowns, while we were both active participants in it.  He kept talking about how cheesy and dated it was, and how the humor wasn’t great.  I wanna say it was like, an old skool Sam Raimi flick, with generally crude, half-assed humor.  And Bruce Campbell was there briefly, har har.

Anyway, I was like yeah, it’s kinda dated now (My brother was there too, saying the same shit) but it gets really scary later!

So as we’re walking down this dark road at night, I know the motherfucking clown’s gonna pop up from the grates, and I’m simultaneously excited that we’ve gotten to the “good part” of the movie, and scared because, uh, I’m in it and I don’t know who’s going to die.

Obviously this grate thing is a Pennywise reference.  Thanks, Brain.  Haven’t had nightmares about that fucker since I was 9.  Way to bring the retro.

Anyway, the fucker doesn’t pop out of the grates as I expected, and we wind up walking around in this closed store… Like… Kind of drug-store-y.  One of our parties steals some eye shadow and takes off to the bathroom to put it on.  We’re like, oh, that girl’s a thief, she’s totally gonna be the first to die.  Even though I knew she was SAFE in the bathroom, and the  clown was going to pop out at US.

There’s some movement above and the ceiling’s all torn out and there’s just pipes and air ducts up there, and I see a broom handle swing past us and disappear into the rafters or whatever you’d call them.  And I was explaining to DW—“Don’t worry, he’s helping.”  Like.  Basically I knew whoever was in the rafters was arranging shit so we’d survive, and we weren’t supposed to even know he was there until the end.  Like, big reveal!  I was slightly altering things so your chances of survival are higher, because I’m a TIME NINJA.  That’s probably yanked from Misfits, tbh.  (Which, by the way, went from awesome to terrible in early season 2 and I just can’t handle it anymore.  BOO.)

Then the dude pops down from the ceiling holding  the broom.  One of those heavy duty ones.  Black guy, glasses, dressed in casual sweatshirt kinda clothes.  Stares intensely at DW and hands him the broom, and chastises him briefly for not grabbing some kind of weapon earlier.  Because a broom is totally the best this you could find in a drug store to use against an evil clown, right?  Har har.

It was fucking intense, though. The entire dream, I knew that fucking clown was just around the corner.  And the combination of pleasant anticipation from the movie aspect, combined with the utter terror of knowing I could die… Trippy shit.

Right after the dude hands the broom to DW, I wake up.  Like, I go from mid-dream to INSTANT alertness for seemingly no reason.  Fumble for my phone.  It’s 5:43.  2 minutes before my first alarm is set to go off.  Thanks, internal clock.  You realize you were only asleep for 4 fucking hours and you really SHOULDN’T BE WAKING UP THIS EARLY EVER, right?

Realize quickly that I can’t open my right eye.  Fuuuuuuuuuck.  I pull it open with my fingers and start to worry.  I wanted a reason to call in, but pink eye sure as FUCK isn’t a good one.  Because it means not seeing anyone all goddamn weekend and I DON’T EVEN HAVE ANY shhhhh don’t tell anyone I smoke marjoram.

Seriously, pink eye is the fucking WORST and the last time I got it my eyes were sealed shut every morning for about… 6 weeks?  Couple months, maybe?

So yeah.  Crawled out of bed and started warming up a wash cloth. Warm packed that shit.  Made coffee.  Still felt weird about the dream, a bit.

This happened once a few months ago, with the eye.  I was almost certain it was pink eye because it felt EXACTLY the same.  This time, I could feel a small aching on the inside of my lower lid, which implied a sty or something, so I was less panicky about it.  And it went away after about a half hour.  Thank the fucking lord, because I would seriously rather get another Super Cold That Lasts 6 Weeks than deal with 3 days of fucking blindness.

That’s the part that scares the shit out of me.  Not being able to see.  Fuck.  It’s awful.  And this time I would be alone for it and I just, ugghhh. That freaks me out hardcore.

 I have no fucking idea why  I felt compelled to launch into a dream sequence today, but here we are.  What I actually came here to talk about was, uh.  Tw

o things.

Gonna give TP one more friendship shot tonight, if he ever says anything to me today, and I already regret it because I know he doesn’t want to be my friend.  He got all stupid and basically asked me why I wouldn’t fuck him, and I was like, “Um… Because I have a boyfriend?” And he said… Actually fuck this, I don’t even care to go into it.  He implied that by not fucking him, I was using him to make DW jealous.  Then when I stood up for myself, he called me passive aggressive and accused me of playing games with him.  A load of absolute bullshit that I immediately called him on, and then he was all ooooh, sorry, I was upset about something else and took it out on you.  Whatever dude.  You just wanna fuck me.  Don’t even pretend.

But he IS pretending.

And I’m gonna let him do so one more time and then that’s it.  No more trying to make male friends by being honest about my intentions/lack thereof.  Everything I say and do is interpreted as “maybe I’ll fuck you one day” and as soon as that possibility is gone, no dude gives two shits about me.  It’s sooooo AWESOME being constantly rejected for who I am as a person!

Ugghhh I know not everyone does this.  Nate was my friend.  He never stopped hanging out with me when I told him we weren’t gonna fuck.  I’ve had friends.  Male friends.  Some men are people and they treat me like a person.

It’s just.  Fuck, man.  Every fucking time my crotch is off the table, I have to sit it out and see if someone’s gonna bother with me anymore.  And they almost always decide not to.

Makes me feel like shit.  And I know I handle it wrong every time, but I’m trying to get better.  I’m trying.  I just.  It fucking hurts.  Any time I make a friend, the eventual rejection is there.  I can feel it.  Like a clown in a department store, AM I RIGHT?

Ha ha fuck this I typed a lot of bullshit today.