Fragments of Etienne

— Alright I’m writing it.
– How long have I asked you to write it?
— I’m writing it.
Stare
— See?
– From the start.
— You’ll have to go again.
And it’s about sleep
Coffee
Bodily care and lack-thereof
– I know what you’re doing and I don’t like it.
Stare
– I don’t like what you’re doing.
Filling myself with caffeine
Not sleeping
Working long hours
Not eating
Smash it up
Smash it up until something breaks
With the full weight of the body
Throw it against the wall again and again
– Self-destruction doesn’t suit you.
And Etienne is getting slightly maternal
– It’s not maternal, it’s…
I don’t know what it is
She’s been on me for weeks
– Can’t I care?
— Of-course.
– I want you to be healthy,
Beginning to sound dangerously like a normal person
– I want you to be happy…
— What makes you think that taking care of my body equates to happiness?
– It doesn’t – I know it doesn’t, I just…
So she sits down
I exhale
– I don’t know what it is.
Knees together, feet apart
Looking away from me, to her side
– I don’t know.
Some kind of petulant anger, but not totally without maturity
– I’m scared.
Yeah
There’s nothing I can do about that
— OK.
Turns to me
– OK what?
— OK you’re scared.
– OK.
Blink
– Aren’t you scared any-more?
I’m struggling to connect it
To validate the reasoning why I should be afraid
I’m not afraid
I’m not afraid of anything
Least of all myself