Fragments of Etienne

– Are you sure I should be reading this?
— Of-course.
She turns a few pages while looking at me
Not looking at the book
– Where does it all come from?
But I don’t answer
She looks down
Reads
– How many are there?
— I don’t know.
But now I think I haven’t lost any
They’re all here
This is all of them
– So much has changed.
So much has changed
And these books document my life
My death
– But you aren’t dead.
— How do you know?
– Are you being unnecessarily philosophical?
— Perhaps.
– But you do believe you’re dying.
— We’re all dying.
Everyone dies
– Is that why you enjoyed the film tonight?
— Yes.
Everyone dies
Even when they don’t, it’s that moment
That moment I love so much
That feels so much like life
Everyone dies
– Death is a common theme in the films you love.
— Yes.
– You don’t strike me as the emo kind, or whatever it is the kids do these days.
— Of-course.
– I guess because the death isn’t literal.
— Yes.
– I’m doing all the talking.
I stare at her
She returns the stare
Inhale
Exhale
– Is that what living is? Dying over and over again?
— That’s part of it.
I don’t want to talk about it
I don’t want to talk about my life
I don’t want to think about it like that any more
Life is what is happening to me
Until it stops happening
– Oh but come now, that’s not entirely true.
— Oh?
– Love is how you live. Love is what you do. The rest, granted, I accept that it happens to you. Love is what you make happen.
Love
Etienne believes in love
– Indeed I do.
And I look quickly up at her, using first person
– Because I know that you love me.
Confidence in her voice
– Because I know that you love yourself.
She’s right
It makes sense
And that is one of the very few things left that I fear
Not being able to love
– You’ll always have me.
I believe her
Because I love her