Fragments of Etienne

– It’s a boy’s name.
She told me once
– A boy’s first name.
We used to drink wine in the summer
Red wine
I don’t know where she got it
I would buy it sometimes from the store
She would always find my choices strange
– How did you know I wanted this?
I would give a laugh because it was always a random choice
– Really? You do that? You just walk in, walk past and…
Take a bottle
— For Etienne?
But the clerk never said that
I just imagined the words were spoken
Like life itself, everything around me was conspiring to propel me towards her
I never knew her first name
I always addressed her as Etienne
It was what she wanted
– Etienne wants chocolate.
And for months I didn’t know who she was talking about
So abstract were our days
Still are I guess
More so
She would randomly speak in the third-person
– Etienne is so tired and lazy today.
And so one evening that felt just like any other
I don’t know why I asked
But I felt like it was she who was asking
Asking me
Maybe asking herself
And I think of who she is to me
— So which are you, Etienne? Mother, sister, friend or lover?
I was expecting a typical response
But she stared at me
– When I look into your eyes I see myself.
I dare not blink
– And I see everything that is not myself.
I think of what I am to her
– Everything my love, and everything else.
— Affection?
– Hm?
— Terms of affection – love…
– Of-course.
I stare
The wine is drifting through my body
She traces a line with her finger from her sternum up to her cheekbone
– Your lips belong to someone else.
My lips part
Exhale
– But the rest of you is mine.
And I don’t understand the perfection of it, but perfect is what it is
She sing-songs
– I… will always love you…
It was the first time I thought about just how long I had known her
And that we would actually be together forever

– That’s nice.
— Oh?
– What you wrote.
— It’s romantic, yes.
– But if I’m mother?
— You’re the one who was ambiguous.
Mischief in her eyes
– Do you dare define me?
— Etienne, I wouldn’t dream of it.
Inhale
Exhale
– Clack, clack, clack on the keyboard. Your nails are getting long again.
— Along with my hair.
– Along with your hair.
One last sip of wine
– Etienne wants to watch another movie.
So off I go