True romance

So you all think you’re ready.
All-right.
Let’s begin.

I’m staring at the door
I can’t even reach for it and push it open
Standing
Staring
Some heightened sense of discipline is clamping down on my thoughts
There’s nothing there
All I’m doing is breathing
I cannot move
Then the tiniest pin-hole in the wall
I panic
Some avatar of myself rushes to slap a palm against the hole
Pushing two hands against it
But it’s too late
My breathing quickens
The first silent tear
Slow, shaking exhale
And an involuntary sound
Clench my eyes shut
As if squeezing them will cancel out everything I’ve done
But it’s too much
My body begins to crumple
I bend at knees and waist
Balance on my toes close to the floor
I lift my hands to my mouth but one arm lowers itself to my stomach
The tightness of muscles heaving in physical response
Tiny sounds come from my throat and I desperately try to quiet them
Silent, restricted exhales of weeping
The loud, awful sound of sniffing
I rock to the side
Sit on the floor
Lean on the wall

Time passes

I don’t know how long I cried
I don’t know how long since I stopped
The points where my eyes meet the bridge of my nose are burning
Eyelids aching
One hand covers my mouth
Inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Hold
It’s going to start again
I clench my eyes and inwardly give an inaudible scream
Exhale
Hold, lungs compressed
Inhale
Get up
A slow, shaking haul of my body upright
Hand on the door
Open

All of your things are gone
The last time I had been in this room it was full of your things
Now nothing
The bed
Notebooks on the floor
A pen
The tiny scrawling of your writing
Broken and disorganised
The bed with the messed and ruffled duvet
Exposing its emptiness
My eyes go to the walls
Tracing the emptiness, finding it hard with nothing to focus on
Where did you put all of your things…
Who put them away
I wish I knew where they were
I wish it was me who put them away
Blink
And then I find you
Sitting on the floor
Head and side against the wall
– …Can… I come in?
Quietly
Almost afraid of you hearing me
– Um…
Tears
Oh god
But again that desperation
I don’t want you to know that I’m crying
– I’m going to come in.
Step into the room
Move towards you and stop
Your eyes are closed
A shaky inhale
– Ah…
You don’t move
Don’t open your eyes
Don’t acknowledge me
I don’t know what to do
Some distant practical part of my brain tries to remind me of why I came here
I have no courage
This is not the normal way two people speak to one another
So I fumble
And begin a one-sided conversation
– Simon… I’m so sorry…
It only takes the right words
The floodgate opens
– Oh god. Oh god Simon saying sorry isn’t enough and I know how, how stupid it must sound and meaningless and pathetic and…
And tears
Strongly now
There’s nothing I can do about it
My voice wavers and shakes
– I’m so… so fucking sorry I tried not to panic or, or, jesus, I told myself that I wouldn’t panic and I tried to prepare myself and all of that horrible meaningless shit and now I’ve fucked it. I’ve fucked it right up… jesus…
The crying interrupts my speech
I’m a mess
Guilt and shame and remorse and desperation
Selfish desperation to try and make things right, to make me feel better
Desperation because…
– I’ve just gone and done exactly what everyone else does, exactly what I told myself I fucking wouldn’t do, oh god,
Losing it
Sharp, quick inhales
Each one stabbing down into my chest
Quickening my heart-rate
Beating my body by some psychologically physical abuse
– Simon I… I don’t know what to do I…
— Mmmm.
A quiet, gravel-throated groan
I don’t know what it means
– Simon…
— Jen.
Barely more than a whisper
– Simon you don’t have to say you forgive me… god… or that it’s all-right because I know it’s not all-right and I know I fucked it up and I know I, I so know I did the wrong thing the most godawful wrong thing Simon…
You lift your arms to your head
Wrap them about your face and ears
— Jen…
– and you can just tell me to fuck-off now…
— Jennifer go away.
Instantly, almost before you say it, tears are forced from my eyes
As though your words carry some supernatural power over my emotions
Remorse is turning into self-hatred
An aggression against myself builds beside the guilt of my own stupidity
– Simon…
But instantly you seem to recoil
— Jen go away.
The practical part of my brain screams at me and throws a piece of information so heavy it hurts
I’m talking too much
Making too much noise
And the noise is distressing you
Too many voices
Oh god
All I’m doing is making it worse
Oh god

Self-hatred turns to hopelessness

I don’t know what rest of my body is doing
I’ve lost awareness of it
Each inhale is sharp and makes a horridly loud sound
Every pound of emotional weight in my body is being forced through my eyes
I’m crying so hard that I’ve lost my train of thought
I’m forgetting why I’m here
Why I’m crying
I’m clutching at my face
Trying to tear my shame away with my fingers
All the energy is draining from my body
I half turn with some vague thought of leaving
But I stop and cry harder
My exhales make sounds now
I feel as though I’ve been wounded
Regressing beyond intellect and sense
Overcome by grief
I’m dizzy
Try and shift my weight
One foot moves but I stumble
Instinctively reach a hand out
It catches the edge of the bed
Open eyes
To a blur of pale monochrome colours
I don’t know what I’m doing
My body moves of its own accord
Other arm to the bed
Feel my way to the edge
Climb onto the mattress
Drag my legs up
Stop
Clench one hand into a fist and press it against my mouth
What have I done
What have I done
What have I done

Somewhere in the back of my mind
The practical Jennifer quietly observes my prone body
Shaking
Sobbing
Weeping almost without reason
But she turns her head
Hears sounds that don’t pass through my normal auditory filters
Slow footsteps
Practical Jennifer tries to whisper to me
If you can’t leave, he will
I accept that repulsion without question
Rejection
Penance
All I want to do is disappear
The footsteps continue
The only other sound in the room to my crying
And the sounds of the duvet shivering as my body shakes
–
Weight on the bed
I’m startled and my body gives a violent jolt
Open eyes to a blur
Steady, strained breathing
Then you’re there, next to me
Lying on your side
I open my mouth wide in disbelief
Your arm touches my shoulder
My back
Elbow at my ribcage
I’m shocked for a moment by how frail your movements are
But there’s strength there
And you tighten around me
As much as you can for being so weak
I’m the one who’s done nothing but wrong
But here you are
Embracing me
Accepting me
All the stupid stupid things I’ve done
Inhale
You touch your lips to my forehead
And I can’t control the wail that escapes from my throat

I don’t know how long I cried
How loud it was
Sometimes quiet whimpers
Sometimes angry, soundless, staggered sharp exhales
I don’t know when I stopped
I don’t know when I fell asleep

Inhale
And I ache
I feel a mess
My head, my face, my arms
Cramps in my stomach and thighs
Tense shoulder-blades
Sore lower-back
Exhale
And the warmth of my own breath comes back against my lips
Open eyes
And I realise you’re still there