New Year’s Eve

I didn’t end up watching Ghost in the Shell 2.0 last night as A_Spec and Rok were online and wanted to play Left 4 Dead. We played all four co-op levels as we’re not ‘vs’ people. Absolutely fantastic.

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I have about four offers for New Year’s Eve including daytime activities on the first, and to be honest at the moment I don’t feel like doing any of them. The offers are all from wonderful people with whom I enjoy spending time, but I don’t think I’m up to talking to more than one, maybe two people at once. I also am not in a summer-fun drinking/revelling talking laughing karaoke video-games kind of mood.

What I would love to do this New Year’s Eve is get together with a really sombre intelligent woman, share some wine and coffee and just talk. Talk about life, about ourselves, learn about each-other, yes – maybe laugh a little but hardly raucous hilarity. We could watch a film maybe, but nothing hugely exciting, it would be minimalist or poignant. We could look at fashion and art on the internet, we could read some of my children’s books together, show each-other travel photos and tell each-other about the places we’ve been, how it made us feel.
I love learning about people this way, I love learning about women this way.

Traditionally we ignore the transition at midnight, it is as meaningless as any other. The last couple of years we didn’t notice it until two or three in the morning as we were doing what we would normally do.
I think it would be beautiful then, even if we weren’t touching, just to fall into silence, each with a glass of wine in our hands. More than likely my body would be screaming out to be touched, to lie together and caress, close eyes and exhale against skin, but even if we didn’t I think it would be beautiful. I can love people this way, respect them, give them what they want even when it’s contrary to my own desires. It’s part of loving someone I think, doing whatever you can to make them happy, or not doing something that would take it away. I’ve never been assertive when it comes to asking for affection, at least not until I’m already engaged in a relationship – I guess at that point I become very assertive indeed. It isn’t shyness though, I just can’t imagine asking someone out or pushing to start a relationship if I wasn’t slightly sure that it was something the other person wanted. I guess as I get older I prefer for it to be a natural process, two people who don’t fall immediately head-over-heels in-love with one-another, just who gradually become curious and grow closer together.
An unrealistic ideal perhaps, but you’ve always known me as a romantic.

I don’t think my chances of spending the evening alone with a lovely young-woman tomorrow night are very good, so rowdiness might be in order. I’m running out of energy for this kind of thing. I’m running out of energy for everything. Sometimes it seems all of life is a constant distraction from the very few things that have meaning, and I wish to reserve what little energy I have left for them. I guess I do anyway, when I get really sick. It must be selfish of me then, I muse, that the more it happens, and the worse it gets each time, that I finally want some company.