Romantic literature is like chocolate

You know precisely what it’s going to taste like, but you keep eating it anyway. You do this for only one reason;
It makes you feel so good.
Or in this case, I keep writing it.

I’m getting Christmas over and done with early this year, and I only ever give one gift – to myself. Now that you’re all aware of my gender-bending sensibilities, I’m sorry but I have to lock the gender roles this time, but if it makes you feel any better, I’m the girl.

(Also – I know it’s corny, that’s the point. That’s how romance is. Sometimes I try to be more realistic when I write, but I’m not above contriving things purely for self-gratification and indulgence. If you don’t like it, go read/watch one of those tragedies where everyone dies at the end… mind you, I don’t mind some of them, but anyway!)

Sitting on the carpet
My legs folding beside me
Leaning on one hand
Half a glass of red
My sister’s baby is crawling around looking at things
Looking at a house more and more familiar to her
And less familiar to me
Somehow I guess I thought my parents wouldn’t change as they got older
And I laugh at how silly the idea is
Baby turns to me with a wide-eyed, open-mouthed expression
—- Ah!
She yells
I smile at her
Gorgeous
— Hello baby.
My sister standing at the open archway
Steps into the room
Baby turns to her mother
—- Ah.
She proclaims again.
— Very good.
Says mum
– She’s beautiful.
I say
— She is. I’m glad you get along with her.
Oh?
– Why wouldn’t I?
Sister laughs at herself
I wonder if we both do that
— No reason. I’m just glad.
Baby crawls over to mum
— Are you ready for desert miss?
She bends down
Baby instinctively raises her arms
It’s all together beautiful motion
— Give auntie a kiss.
Baby is swooshed towards me
I offer the side of my face
Feel her tiny little nose against my cheek
Then turn to kiss her own cheek
— Do you want coffee?
– In a bit, I just need to settle for a minute.
She nods and leaves the room
Elsewhere in the house I can hear voices
Laughter
The ringing, clinking and clanking of cutlery, glass and crockery
Doors opening
Doors closing
The warmth of summer in the Southern Hemisphere
I close my eyes and inhale through my nose
– Hm.
Raise my glass and sip

I hear footsteps and instantly recognise them as yours
That’s a lie
Some irrational piece of my psyche wants to recognise them as yours
As if I had learnt your patterns by now, the cadence of your steps
The tiny tells that indicate your behaviour
How much I take note of them is worrying
Either that or I’m over-stressing
The wine is making me meander through my thoughts
And somehow I just can’t be flustered
I hope it’s you
Or dad
Come to make sure I’m alright
If I hear the bathroom door open, I’m going to be slightly embarrassed
I’m glad no-one’s here to see it
But it is you
I look up to where you’ve stopped in the archway
I don’t know by what contrived contortion you are at my house, but I don’t care
You’re here and I’m glad
I beam you a little Merry Christmas smile
Still hiding my teeth though
I haven’t had that much wine just yet
— Here you are.
– Here I am.
— If I tell you why I ended up at your place, will you let me sit down there?
– Hmm.
I play along before I even decide whether I want to or not
– Only if it’s really good.
— Well,
And you close the distance between us
Lower yourself
One of your hands is behind your back and it makes me suspicious
I make a point of furrowing my eyebrows at the curling, hidden arm
— Seeing as my parents are away visiting their families in Europe, your mum invited me.
Blink
– Mum invited you?
And you have a grin on your face that is oh so full of vicious delight
— Mmm Hm.
– My mum?
— Mm.
– Called you up?
— Yes.
Blink
– And said to you ‘Why don’t you come to our place for Christmas?’
— Yes.
I raise my glass to my lips only I only make it half way before putting it down again
Then I raise it again and drink, I should have just done that in the first place
And now I’m berating myself that I gave that tiny tell
— So, now that we’re here,
Here we go
— I know you don’t like Christmas…
– I never said that.
I interrupt
I’m getting excited now and I’m trying to clamp down on it
It just makes me snooty though and that’s no good either
You close your eyes and raises a free hand
— Just – I know you don’t like some things about Christmas, but you’re just going to have to put up with them.
I narrow my eyes
— We’re going to do a few things now and you’re just going to accept them, no question.
Stare
– Fine.
Eyebrows
— Fine?
– Fine, go. Go do it. Whatever.
Then that damn look of mischief
— I bought you a present.
Sharp inhale
— I said no questions.
I’m left with my mouth open
— I bought you a present and you’re going to take it.
You reveal your hidden hand
A brown Baker’s Delight bag
My eyes shift to it, mouth still open
— It’s a wholemeal Cheesymite scroll.
And the most minuscule voice somewhere tries to temper my enthusiasm
But it has too much momentum
It’s perfect
Just perfect
It’s exactly what I want right now
The voice is almost offended that you should know me so well
But everyone else in my head is wild with jubilation
It’s like I just got given everything I’d ever wanted for Christmas as a girl
I reach out and take it
— You’re welcome.
Unfurl the top of the paper
Tare off a piece and put it immediately in my mouth
Only then, I realise that this was only one conniving part of your plan
But no-one’s listening to the voice
I am associating the taste of bread, cheese and vegemite with you, this beautiful boy
Munch munch munch
— The other thing, and you have to just accept this,
Munch munch
— That is a really great dress.
Freeze
Munch quickly
— Now I know you’re going to launch into a…
Swallow
– But…
— No buts. Just accept it. You know me better than to think I’m patronising you so just accept it.
Inhale
— Just…
Shut mouth
— Accept it.
I’m staring
I don’t know what to do
I’m afraid you’re going to get up and walk away now
And I don’t want you to
I’m so horribly disarmed
I’m useless
All of my bravado and confidence and assertiveness has abandoned me
Your face changes from playfulness to neutrality
To concern
Oh crap
I think it’s showing
Instinctively I lower my head
Stare at the carpet
You’re not totally finished yet
— Were my presents that bad?
Instantly I give a single laugh in-spite of myself
How did you ever get to know me so well?
My defences have fallen over
There aren’t any filters to keep me from saying what I really think
Inhale
– I really like you.
Quietly
Maybe you won’t hear me
And maybe you’ll miraculously think I said something else
What else I don’t know, but something that doesn’t leave me so vulnerable
But I can’t stop
– Ilike you a lot.
Here it comes
I’ve had to endure it before
The I don’t think about you that way speech
He exhales through his nose
Awkwardness?
Relief?
— I’m glad.
Relief
…
Relief???
– Um, what?
Now that’s just stupid
— Can I kiss you now?
Open mouth
Close mouth
Stare
Open mouth
– But, no… wait,
— You don’t want me to kiss you?
– Yes of-course but…
— Alright I’m going to kiss you now.
Leaning towards me
– But you… but you…
I can feel your breath now
— Try not to look so frightened.
I instantly catch the spark and ignite, and you are just too good
– I’m not frightened you stupid…

Silenced
By the kiss

You’re very gentle
Almost asking permission
But bugger that
I push up against the floor with my legs
And you lower yourself beneath me
The voice tells me my parents might be standing in the archway
But I don’t care
It doesn’t matter
The thought lasts only for a moment before being shattered away into oblivion