Most days | Fear | Music

Most days I’m actually fine. Or I forget, which is as good as being fine. That’s great actually, beacuse it means I can engage in my daily activities without being paranoid as much.
So if you bumped into me in the street, or came over to my house for lunch, you might be tempted to believe that there’s nothing wrong. Truth be told, for all intents and purposes, at the moment there may very well be nothing wrong.
When things go bad these days, it tends to be in accute moments that briefly pass, or prolonged but muted phases that can last hours. The longevity and mutedness I assume to be the work of meds, which duly prevent them from expanding out into fully-fledged paranoia, panic and hypomania. So here are my symptoms, dulled, reduced, out of reach, but still the world turning slightly sideways as far as perception goes. It’s a strange feeling.

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In other news, I was at my brother’s place last night with some people and we watched Aliens (as in the second film). I’m not sure whether it’s because I’ve seen it several times or if my perceptions of fear have changed (which they significantly have). When I was a very young child, my first viewing of Aliens had me frightened for days afterwards, but now it just seems kind of a fun movie. I’m don’t feel fear when confronted by fictional monsters, perhaps because in my life I’ve encountered things much more real, and much more frightening. I’ll sound like a broken record, but David Lynch’s films, his dark and brooding atmospheres, often come closest to resembling what I perceive as fear. It has more to do with disorientation than physical threat. Imagine all of those films that deal with illusion and disorientation; Jacob’s Ladder, Stay, November, The Machinist, Mulholland Drive, Inland Empire etc., and imagine watching them all but only seeing the first half, never having anything explained or made sense of. This perhaps is a little of what I experience in life, and at times it is truly frightening.

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Break’n’Bossa vol. 5 arrived this week, a double CD with the second one mixed live. Vol. 4 was pretty good, but 5 is absolutely great, with a fantastic selection of Bossa tracks, and the mixed CD is just as good.
I still can’t get enough of GAME by Perfume. The production is absolutely A-grade and is just so full of energy, you can’t sit still when listening to it. I just hope they do a DVD of all their clips and some more live performances (there were two on the bonus DVD that came with GAME).