Disturbing

I’m finding that fragments of my memory are returning at the most random and unsettling moments. At work just now I was speaking with one of my collegues about doctors and hospitals, and certain details of my time in hospital returned immediately to me. The feeling was quite disturbing and I was caught quite off guard. Of-course my immediate instinct is to question the validity of the memory, whether or not it has been distorted or if it is indeed a truthful recollection of detail of the given event, but it’s hard for me to know what’s what after such a long time. I may have to run it past my parents who of-course were there at the time.

It’s becomming something of a jarring experience having these things pop back into my head at the most bizarre moments, especially after long periods of what appears to be by all accounts, normal life. Just when I begin to forget about all of that illness, a section of my mind seems to want to remind me. I’m not fighting it, a long time ago I learnt to let my mind do as it wishes, however it’s still often unsettling.

As this normal life resumes – working, socialising etc., I write in my notebook less and less, I experience much less paranoia, I haven’t had any episodes of hypomania or blanking periods, and I imagine that as far as the physical symptoms are concerned, much of that is kept in check by the medication that I continue to take. Nevertheless, what I’ve come to believe is that the medication is not a cure-all, as I’m sure most would be aware of, it simply allows me to resume this normal life we keep referring to. At the same time, I still feel this sense of parallel psyche where a portion of my conscious and unconscious mind continues to cycle and evolve through things that would, were it not for artificial chemical regulation, cause my conscious mind to fail at its role of living normal life.

It’s there, I don’t think it’s going away, but I’m living with it. There are many points of view about the place regarding life on drugs, many of them uneducated, and from perspectives that are not founded in experience. Regardless of the view-points of others, for the moment I need this medication and it helps me live. For that I am grateful.