a scathing parody of kingdom of heaven (edited)

Commentary
May 30, 2010

I’ll put this note at the beginning of the entry to prevent it from being lost in the hate pouring out of this entry.

As it turns out, the theatrical version had a jaw-dropping 50 minutes cut from it as years later, the full three-hour edition was released on DVD and Blu Ray which I loved enough to purchase. I think the marketing data at the time probably indicated that the legs were running out of action period epics after Gladiator. Given when the project would have been signed and entered principle photography, it makes sense that a few years later, the studio found themselves in what they thought was an awkward position. Too long and it would lose audiences; too short and it would appear underdone which it did, and was punished by critics and movie-goers alike.

Reviews of the extended edition seem to have been much kinder, and though I never read them, I watched the 3 hour edition just for the sake of reliving the few elements of the film I remembered enjoying. A lot had changed in me over those years, and since the original theatrical run, I’ve become a huge fan of Eva Green.

The full three-hour edition of Kingdom of Heaven ended up being a fantastic film. Not without its flaws, including some that should have remained cut, though these are few in number. Nevertheless there is a full bodied and wonderful narrative in there and with the additional content, little of which is action, the big fight at the end is set in a much better context and is now no longer overplayed.

I still like this entry though, grammar and language-use excepted as usual for my writing at the time. Back then the theatrical edit deserved it, so it will be saved for posterity.

______________________________

 – ‘allo.
– wot?
– are you some french bloke?
– wotchoo talkin bout?
– no matter – we’re off to jerusalem
– i’m sorry wot?
– no time to repeat chappy, it’s the next scene already
– um… ok

– hi i’m the chick in the film
– i’m sorry i didn’t catch your name
– that’s alright, we don’t have time and it’s not important anyway – ok i’m off
– um – hang-on
– must rush!  ciao!

repeat this more or less about 20 times until the big fight at the end.

– right lads – this is the bit where we spent all the money, so it has to go for hours and hours on end.
– but none of us are developed!  i feel like such a hollow character!
– it doesn’t matter now – all you have to do run around screaming at the top of your lungs and wave these big sticks for about free hours.
– your accent’s a bit off
– it’s jewish!
– i thought you were french!
    – he’s accent’s british
– was there a spot of american in there somewhere?
– look, you’re developing your characters too much, just wave your stick and let’s get it over with shall we?

you take it i didn’t like it much.  you take it correctly.

the bit about the accents was just a bit of piss-taking, well, yes, most of the time they did speak english instead of jewish or french or whatever the hell else, which isn’t a big problem except that i’m a hardcore sub fan now, so they really should be speaking whatever language they’re supposed to speak.  as for the rest, yeah – that’s how i saw it.

no scene for the first hour went longer than 30 seconds – it moved far too quickly, though when i think of the bonehead amerikan audiences who this was aimed at, i think yeah, they probably thought it was boring and went for too long.  the characters had a lot of potential, and some of them even started realising it.  i must say on the whole, almost every member of the cast did a wonderfully good job – it’s just that all of their important bits were a bit brief.  in-fact everything except for the big fight was a bit brief.  a lot brief.

the film has a good point to make and i think attempts and succeeds to a point to make it well – that war is futile, and muslims and christians will never live in peace, and the whole fight really is a pointless one.  the portrayal of the muslims was very fair i thought, which i suppose was a bit of a brave stroke considering the general right-wing christian vew of them which is likely to be strong in the film’s target audience.  in any case, the point, where there was one, was totally drowned in either axe-job editting, or the shouting and waving of sticks.  sure, all the combat was great – very entertaining – but there was hardly anything else.  if this were editted differently though, i can just imagine the responses ‘anti-climactic ending’, ’nuffingk happens lol r0x0r i kant spel good – ur retarted or something – gladiator totally pwns dis peece of shit’ and so on and so forth.  interesting thing that gladiator reference – because that rushed first half of the film was pretty much the gladiator introduction word-for-word.  as they filmed bits of this in morocco too, maybe ridley scott filmed them at the same time to save cash.

yeah, it was a horrendous film because of its form and excecution, but i will say that the shouting and waving of sticks was great – among some of the best stick waving in any film.  i liked it as much as the stick waving in the lord of the rings films, and probably just a sight more than braveheart.  king arthur and troy shall not be mentioned.  and in all honesty, citing all of these films really establishes the fact that they aren’t meant to be deep, nor developed – they’re meant to be entertaining – and i was truly entertained.  i don’t think i wasted my money at all – the sets were fantastic, costumes brilliant, acting – most of the time great, bar the innevitable delivery of standard hero lines by the heroes of the film, and the characters at least not really shithouse.  i must say that orlando looked absolutely sexy with his ratty hair – it’s all the rage now lads.  dead serious – he looked great – and his facial hair grew duly longer at the start of the film as those many scenes rushed by.

i don’t have positive expectations for western films anymore.  actually even with anime i try (and sometimes fail) not to have expectations for them either.  i didn’t think at any point kingdom of heaven was going to be good – and the absolute axe-job editing of the first half of the film clearly makes it bad.  but i knew it wouldn’t be great, and i let myself enjoy those things that were enjoyable.  the axe-job just surprised me a bit is all, especially after hearing ridley talk about not being happy that so many scenes were cut from gladiator, or that scenes should have been longer.  perhaps it wasn’t ultimately up to him – because the start really was some of the most unskilled film presentation i have ever experienced.

alright – that’s enough.  i don’t think it’s a waste of money – see it to see nice visual things, and lots of stick waving – it’s fun!  it’s loud!  it’s hollywood!