when to be disturbed
autopilot does not worry me at all. it is not a false representation, or as some are tempted to believe about themselves, a different persona, it is simply a different element – there is a difference. certain elements are exposed to those at work, a different combination of elements for those i speak to on the phone, and another again to those few colleagues who i do not trust. different elements again are revealed to my family, different again for friends.
close friends see the most elements – my partner sees almost all.
some elements will always be private – this is a fact. if anything, the elements of detachment make communication and interaction more difficult with those closest to me rather than those i am with while operating in autopilot. i do not have sufficient relationship with these people to reveal enough elements to justify intimacy (at it’s primary level in any case) – but with those who have seen much, suddenly that much becomes unaccessable.
for example.
often times i am energetic with my partner. i tease her when she sleeps in because i am up, i run around all day going from place to place engaging with enthusiasm whatever activity we choose to do. however this makes life difficult for her when i have no energy at all, and i have very few words to say. i think she is still reminded much of when i was ill. that was a very difficult time.
and so the seasons are turning and i have begun the cycle of stillness – when i have little to say to those around me, and when i am the most charismatic around those that do not. i am writing more, savouring simple things neither positive nor negative. just existence.
that is all.
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Commentary
March 16, 2010
I seem to want to justify or explain things to the public at large here. Now of-course my behaviour indicates quite the opposite.
QOTSA- Autopilot
Warning Comment
i will keep up with this side of you as well if i can.. i too am working full time and in my last phase of school so I have much less time than before.. i am finding myself setting myself in the colors of the wall to savor a look of one person. the way the jaw drops. eyes widen or shrink in that moment. that life has changed. life is an intricate weave to simply admire sometimes..
Warning Comment