Two Months

 

 

Momma,

I didn’t know that two months could last so long and move so fast.  I didn’t know that little things would suck so much.

Last night we were going through those pics to print out for the new collages and Doll lost it.  I didn’t know simply seeing a picture could hurt so badly.  But it does.  She misses you terribly.  We all do.  She still cries at the mention of your name. 

Sunday we were at dinner and she asked if we could stop by the hospital on the way home to see you.  I felt like the bad person for having to reminder her you aren’t there.  She said "Oh Yeah.  I forgot."  And then couldn’t finish her dinner.

You’d be proud of her though.  She is so amazing and so intelligent.  In the five weeks she’s been in first grade she has brought home one paper with a single mark wrong.  Every other paper is a 100.  She blows me away.

Jesse is doing better.  He doesn’t talk to any of us about you.  He is afraid that we will hurt too much.  He told Dustin that he won’t cry because he can’t be weak for us.  He has to be strong because we can’t take much more.  I don’t know how to save him from those drowning thoughts.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to explain that it’s not his job to save us.

You know how we worked so fucking hard to get him into that testing last year; yeah well they went ahead with it finally.  He is dyslexic.  I felt so guilty wanting them to identify him, but I couldn’t figure out how else he was going to get help.  Now I am afraid that I wished it into being, but at least they are helping him.  He goes to his extra classes with another little boy in his class.  It makes it easier.  He has so so much more homework now because it’s like being in school for extra time.  He is happy though.  He loves that teacher.  She said that the schooling takes between three and five years.  Oh Momma, I didn’t know he was in for so much more work.  He hasn’t complained once.  He does the work and then asks for WoW.  I am proud of Jess.

Daddy made it through your anniversary.  I was afraid he wouldn’t, though I don’t know what I thought he would do.  Did I expect to see him in a pile on the floor?  I don’t know.  I really don’t know.  I know that he hurts.  He hasn’t taken off his ring.  I’m really glad he hasn’t because that is something I don’t know that I can take.  I know that he misses you.  We all do.

You missed Taco’s birthday.  It was ridiculous.  There were so many kids and so much crap going on.  She had fun.  We all did.  She got way too many presents.  It was adorable.  I’m so glad we did it at the park.  It was nice to be outside without too many cares that day.  Your yellow roses sat in a special place so that everyone would know that’s where you would have been.  You would have been there until it was too much for you, but you would have been happy too. 

I think she sees you sometimes.  I think she still says your name.  It’s not fair that Taco won’t know you.  I know you loved her so much.  Baby Doll said she will tell Taco all about you because she loved you more than anyone and knew more about you.  Ahh, the smart mouth on that child.

I miss you, Momma.  I’m so lost.  I should go back to school, but I don’t feel the drive.  If you aren’t here to be proud of me, then what’s the point?  I look for jobs, but that’s a load of bulls

hit.  I’m just lost.  I think I’ve decided to get my Bachelor’s in Nursing.  I can bridge to PA and the MD afterwards.  I need to have some goal, but I just don’t feel like it these days.  Could you give a push?  Maybe a kick in the ass is what I need.  Maybe to grow the fuck up and stop whining is what I need.  I don’t know, Mom.  Could you tell me what to do?

I’m going to make cinnamon rolls now.  Or bread.  Or cookies.  I haven’t decided yet, but something startchy and warm.  And think of you.  And miss you.  But I’m going to go now because sitting here  doesn’t get a damn thing done. 

I love you.

 

Mandy

 

Ovarian cancer: It whispers, so listen.