6/14/06

I am so very tired. I’m always tired nowadays.

Work is wonderful. Super, super tiring, but I’m happy there. Most of the kids love me. The call me everything from Meme to Amy to Andy to Mandy. Some of the younger ones call me Momma since Doll does. I do all the house keeping, some teaching and some cooking. There is always something to do.

Doll has grown so much since she started. I was afraid she would never talk to anyone, but she is finally coming out of her shell. Its like she’s a whole other kid. First thing in the morning she’s not very social, but at the end of the day she won’t shut up. She falls asleep babbling most days. And man, oh man, can she whip ass. Its not something I should be happy about, but she doesn’t take anybody’s shit in there. The little biting bitch got some of her own medicine. She started to bite Doll and Doll slapped her. I couldn’t scold her for it, she was defending herself.

I’ve got to take pictures of her. You should see my little brown kid. We bought a little pool for both of them to play in, so now I have a little fishy.

Potty training has been a crap shoot with her. She goes at school because the put her on the toilet every time they check diapers, but here she slaps the seat off the toilet and runs away. She drives me crazy with it. She does pee as soon as she wakes up in the morning so I guess its not too bad of a start.

Umm… I guess you want to know about Joseph. The truth is I don’t know. Life would be easier if I could walk away and forget he existed. Doll only cares about him when she sees him. She is okay with me. I know she would be better off to have a stable family, but she is fine with only me most of the time. She only asks for him when we are leaving him. There are days that I wonder how its fair for her to be away from him, but us fighting and hating each other will never be right for her. Until I can trust him again we will stay apart.

I don’t know what he has to do for me to forgive him. I want so much to love him like I used to, but it still hurts. I want for the pain to go away. I can spend a few hours with him and be in love with him like we were, but then he’ll say something stupid or asshole-ish and I don’t like him. I don’t want him to touch me. Dear Lord, why can’t marriage be easy?

Oh damn this is longer than I thought it would be. I should update more often. I will try. I promise.

Good night.

Mandy

Ovarian cancer: It whispers, so listen.

Y’all take care and hug those babies tight.