Emptying My Head

Okay, let me explain a couple of things.  I would never want y’all to think badly of Joseph or me.  When I wrote that entry last night, I was pissed.  I was beyond pissed.  I was ready to leave him.  I was ready to chunk all of my shit and leave.  I thought maybe life would be better without him.  I have those thoughts every now and then and I’m sure I am a bad person for it, but I do love him.  I don’t think I could live without him.

He is a good father.  He doesn’t get to spend the time with her that he wants.  He makes that sacrifice so I can be the one who is at home raising her.  If his job offers overtime, he takes it.  If he can work from 6 in the morning to 9 at night, he will.  Its hard not to see her, but he understands that we need income and we need it badly.  He understands that living in someone else’s house is not good enough for her.  He knows that a car with no heat or air or that’s brakes are about to go out any day are not good enough for her.  Life is about her and he knows it.

He won’t lay a hand on me.  That is not his way.  He is a sarcastic asshole and I knew that from day one.  In his family it is okay to make fun of someone who is fat even though none of them are anywhere near thin.  In his family it is okay to ridicule a person for their mistakes.  These things came engraved in him and slowly I am removing them.  I fault him for what his family taught him.  I should know better.  It takes time to remove that kind of teaching.

I came here last night to vent my anger.  I said so many things to y’all that I had no right to say to him.  And it felt good to release it all.  IT FELT GOOD.  I’m sure we will fight again, afterall, we aren’t perfect.  I’m bi-polar and he’s a sarcastic prick.  At some point in the future I see another angry, I hate you entry, but know that I love him.  I love him with the part of my heart that is left over from loving her.  And I love him very deeply there.

Thank y’all for your thoughts and thank you for worrying about me.  Beth, thank you for being there for me.  I didn’t realize how much I needed to talk to someone else.  You are a darling and I love you very much too.  I will always be around for you.

Y’all take care and hug those babies tight.

Mandy