I can’t

 

 

 

♥ I can’t just "let go" like I wanted to. It’s too hard. It’s not that I don’t want to or that I don’t think it’s for the best- it’s just too hard right now.

I tried moving on last night. I put myself out there, created an "ad" for what I was looking for and sent it out to the internet world. I even got quite a few replies, which really did help me feel better. I even started chatting with one guy who seemed nice and was SO HOT. We chatted casually for an hour or two but he came on a little to strong and I found myself backing away. He wasn’t Ed. No one will ever be.

Strangely enough, Ed did contact me yesterday and again last night. I told him that the silence thing wasn’t working for me and that I needed to say some things to him and hear what he had to tell me, so he had better clear some time in his schedule for me soon. He’s coming here tomorrow morning.

We had a short conversation last night. He said he had been thinking about me and I replied that I had been thinking about him too. He asked if it was in a good way, or a bad way. It’s hard to not think of him in a good way, however painful that might be. I told him I never expected to feel so strongly for him and it had kind of caught me off guard. I told him that I didn’t even realize just how strongly I did feel until it became apparent he was someone else’s.

"We didn’t expect it to be as strong as it was". He replied.

I told him that more than anything, I’m just afraid to let it go and lose it. I’m afraid I won’t find anything like it again. Anyone like him.

"That’s real deep Meggie" he said.

"Yeah, well that’s only some of the things I’ve been mulling over"

"I hope to hear all of what you have to say. I’m real interested in knowing."

 I told him not to worry, I’ve been making notes.

… and I have. Lots. I’ve started filling several pages in a notebook, actually. Then, earlier yesterday it was like I had an epiphany. I wrote the following:

"… what am I doing? I’m making this so much more complicated than it ever needs to be. All of the words, these pages of thoughts and feelings… for what? To torture myself? To torture you? It hurts too much. Let’s end this once and for all.

You are married. We can never be together. It’s really that simple.

I wish I’d met you sooner."

I haven’t written anything since. I haven’t decided what to say to him tomorrow.