Shit is going down.

♥ Ed and I had planned to meet tonight. It was honestly the only thing getting me through this day.

At around 2pm, he messaged me to see if we were still on. He asked if we could meet half way- the city about a half hour drive from me where I work 2 days a week. He wanted to meet at 9:30pm. I told him that I could do it on one condition- he needed to let me know ASAP should anything come up and he have to cancel because I had to leave the house at a non-suspicious time (in other words, I wasn’t leaving home at 9 to meet him. My mother would flip the fuck out if she knew where I was going). I told him 7:00 was the cut off. Let me know by then if possible because that’s when I was leaving.

It’s such a struggle to maintain something like this. I’m not sure why I keep doing it.

I left at 7 as planned and got to the destination at 7:40. It’s shitty weather outside, probably the coldest night we’ve had so far and it’s snowing. I pulled into timmy’s and ordered a shitty apple cider that was so weak it was like hot water with a tint of apple. I sat for over an hour just waiting. At 9:00, I went to my car and drove to the lot we were to meet at and sent him a quick text telling him where I was. This is what happened after…

Him:  My daughter fell down some stairs and hit her head. I may have to bring her to cheo, she won’t stop crying right now.
Me: omg
Him: Yeah, I know.
Him: omg cause you’re mad at me, or omg because she fell?
Me: both.
Him: I’m so sorry. I was getting ready to leave too.
Me: I’m sorry about your daughter and I hope she’s okay, I really am… but I am furious right now. So completely.
Me: and it’s my own damn fault.
Him: Why is it your fault??
Me: Because I am a smart woman and i know better than to drive half an hour from home on the coldest night to wait for someone who has done this to me so many times before.
Him: I usually meet up with you with no issues.. I’m sorry about this, I really am.
Him: I feel really bad.
Me: This is the third time I’ve driven to CP and something has come up that made you cancel. It *may* not be your fault, but it’s shitty and sometimes I wonder.
Him: How can I make it up to you? I feel like shit!
Me: I don’t know what to tell you. I’m going home because I’m tired, cold and I have to get up early for work. You’ve wasted my time.
Me: I have to bite my tongue, because I’m afraid I’ll say something I regret later.
Him: Say what you want to say. It’s ok.
Me: I can’t. not now.
Me: Just know that you’ve really hurt me. "It’s not worth the pain to have to bear, to love a man you have to share".
Him: Well, that was one of the things I wanted to talk to you about.
Me: If you’re trying to push me away- it’s working.
Him: No, I’m not actually..
Me: Tell me what’s really going on.
Him: I really wanted to talk to you.
Me:I’m all ears.
Him: I can’t really talk right now, my attention isn’t fully on you.
Me:… well you know what, you know where I am and how to reach me.
Me: I truly hope your daughter is ok.

I literally drove home in tears for the hundredth time. I don’t know why I do it to myself. I even took bets with my friend today about whether he was going to show! I bet he would cancel within 15 minutes. I know him so well, don’t I?

And the thing is, as angry as I am right now and in general… I’ll still meet with him again to find out what he has to say.

Because apparently, I like to be walked all over.