No! I will NOT.

♥ So first of all, I’ve been getting weird looks from people lately. I’m certain it’s all in my head, but a couple of days ago I had a moment where it seemed like every other person who looked in my direction looked at my square in the eye before looking away. I suddenly had a strange feeling that I was the star of my very own person Truman show- or I suppose, Meghan show. Not only do people look at me weird, like the know something I don’t, but there have been an uncanny amount of coincidences in my life over the past little while. Maybe I’m simply paranoid, but at the same time, it’s almost fun to imagine myself in that world.

♥ What I really wanted to write about was Ed. He worked in my town today and we had a plan to meet briefly before he had to head back to the city to his other job. He sent me a text this morning asking if I knew where **** *** school was, because we could meet there instead. I answered with "DO I!! That’s the school I went to from JK to grade 8. I’ll meet you there!" Suddenly I was super excited about going back to elementary school.

We met up shortly after 3pm and we walked around the school grounds, holding hands and stealing kisses. We found a little secluded spot shielded from prying eyes and got it on (if you know what I mean, and I think you do). I now have a brand new memory made at that school.

Anyway, we held hands walking back around to our cars and we were close together and giggling about what we just did, until we rounded the corner and were back in sight of the road. Ed dropped my hand and bent down to "fix" his shoe, then proceeded to walk back to his car. He stood a good distance from me and didn’t hug or kiss me goodbye. We got into our vehicles and left and I immediately had a sinking feeling. He didn’t want to be seen with me.

This isn’t something I ever really paid attention to before with him. It’s never been an issue. Plenty of times we’ve met in parking lots or public places where he would kiss me and hug me and hold me close. There was one time when he left me to check out of my room by myself, but it was valid because he was late for work. He was late for work again today, but it felt different. It felt like he was watching the road to make sure someone he worked with didn’t drive by and see him with me. It felt like he was ashamed to be seen with me. It made me feel like I did with Ryan all those years ago in college. The guy who had no trouble holding me close and fucking me in private- but wouldn’t even walk beside me out in public. 

I could be reading way to much into things, over-reacting like I ALWAYS seem to do, but the thought hit me tonight when I was looking myself in the eye in the mirror:

"What if I’m THAT girl? The freak in the sheets who will never be seen in the streets with a guy".  What if I’m always the ugly duckling that people don’t want to be seen with. What if people are looking at me strangely because I’m so ugly? What if they’re silently judging how bad I dress and how fat I am. Why do i always end up with a guy who tells me how sexy I am when we’re alone, but won’t take me anywhere or tell anyone about me. I’m the "secret friend".

That’s downright depressing. 

And the thing is, I was feeling so good about my appearance until lately. I’m not certain what changed, but I’m feeling less and less attractive. I jumped on the scale today to see if I had gained any weight back, because I feel like my face is fatter than ever- but I haven’t. Maybe 1 pound (that seems to have gone directly to my cheeks and neck).  

I don’t know. I just don’t know. 

 This entry feels like it’s all over the place. Disregard it.