My normal.

 Dear Diary;

First of all.. Are you watching Grey’s Anatomy??? Holy shit balls. I think it’s giving me a heart attack.

Speaking of which, guess what I have right this second.. Chest pain!  

I was laying on my bed this afternoon waiting for the time to pass because I had to go to town and pick up my prescription and I wasn’t feeling great- which is totally typical for me. It’s really sad, but it’s true. I was thinking to myself about how over the past 5 years I’ve had very few days when I actually felt like I was healthy. It’s become "normal" for me to not feel good all the time. Back in 2006 I had all these problems with my bowels (I know, tmi) and I would sit in my room before going to work and cry and cry and then load up on anti-diarrheals before I left. When I would go to bed, I would rock back and forth and cry because my stomach felt bad. That problem changed to the chest pain this year and honestly? I’d take the IBS over this because at least I know I’m not going to have a heart attack in my sleep or something. I have regular headaches, probably because of my eyes. I am falling apart from the inside- clearly.

I’ve been to my doctor more in the past year than I have my entire life it seems.  6 visits in the past year. 6. That’s not even counting the few times I went to the ER.  It seems ridiculous, right? It does to me.

But I’m starting to realize that feeling crappy all the time is MY normal. Does it suck? Hell fucking yeah. But I get up every morning and I shower and I do what I’ve got to do because.. what else am I going to do? If I didn’t just deal with it, I’d be in my bed crying all the damn time and that’s just depressing.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. I’m exhausted and I need to go to bed.