NJM 11 – Socially Inept.

Dear Diary;

I had a long conversation with myself today as I was walking to the mailbox and generally wandering around aimlessly. I was thinking about who I am and why I can’t find myself which eventually led me to thinking (and talking out loud to myself) about how I am socially inept.

I’m not good at the whole ‘brain to lips’ thing. I don’t know why but something just isn’t connected properly or hooked up right in that area. I can’t stand face to face with someone and say what I’m thinking or feeling because I completely freeze up and get nervous and worry about not saying anything!

I’m the girl who sits at the computer and can type and talk to people.  I can write my feelings down and express myself through words on paper or on screen, but I can’t make the connection to my mouth. I tell myself that I can do it and I prepare things to say in advance hoping that it will help me when the room falls silent but it doesn’t. I can prepare questions to ask in my head for when there is a break in the conversation but I can’t make the words come out of my mouth when I’m in the moment. Instead, I stand there like an idiot, complete silence surrounds us, and I start to get even more nervous as I think about how long it’s been since anyone said anything. Do I want to say something? YES! Can I? NO! Why? I don’t know, but I sure wish I could figure it out.

Small talk and witty conversation doesn’t come naturally to me. It makes me feel stupid and inadequate. Often times when I’m in a room with someone and small talk would be ideal, I feel like they’re getting the wrong impression from me. I start to wonder if they like me or not- usually I decide that they don’t- and then I get more nervous that they hate me and I think that I should be saying something to try to get them to. Which is silly, but true. I feel like they think I’m an idiot.. or snobby. Yes, they start to think I’m a snob because I won’t talk to them and I answer their awkward questions with short answers and then drop the topic like a dead fish.

The truth is though, I often find myself really wanting to talk to the people I end up in rooms with. I’d love to be able to have a conversation that flowed. I NEVER want to appear as a snob or an idiot but I fear that I always do and that’s why, typically, the people in my life don’t stick around or try to distance themselves from me. I’m the awkward one.

It didn’t used to be like this. When I was in public school and early in highschool I could talk to my friends (which at that time was a much bigger group than I have now) about anything and I could joke and make witty comments and believe it or not, I was funny sometimes! I used to consider myself a funny person. I don’t know where that went.

…
I’ve completely lost my train of thought, which is also typical.