Wishy-washy

Dear Diary;

♥ I refuse to sit home on halloween this year. I will NOT do that again. I haven’t gone out on halloween since…. I can’t even remember. Must’ve been grade 91. Every year I sit here and wait for trick-or-treaters and no one ever comes. This year I am going to dress up and go out somewhere. I’ve decided. I have two options for costumes2 and damnit- I WILL go somewhere. I was invited to a costume party in Ottawa at a Davern girls place- but I feel like it’s going to be a tame kind of night with a lot of people that I don’t know. There were only 2 other davern girls invited and one isn’t going so.. I really won’t know anyone and that sucks. I asked another friend about going with her to "the maison" in Kingston and at first she was like- yeah cool.. come with me I have VIP passes to get in.. yadda yadda.. I just got done talking to her though and she suddenly doesn’t seem nearly as excited or willing to take me3. Sigh. I’ve gotta find somewhere to go and someone to go with me.

♥ I had some pretty insane dreams last night. There were two dreams. In the first one, I was pregnant with my ex’s baby and I was trying to do my own vaginal ultrasound in a bedroom somewhere while he and our families waited in a sunroom. It was really strange. In the second one, I don’t remember as much but I remember sitting at a table with other people and there was a man taking our fingerprints. I remember the ink pad and the pad of paper he was using to put our prints on.. it said "i love you" written all over it. It was even stranger than the first dream.

♥ There were some notes about that last entry that got me thinking about how hard it will be to photograph that particular wedding. I have to be honest and tell you that although it crossed my mind how hard it would be- I didn’t hesitate to accept and tell her I would do it. All I could think of in that moment was "OH MY GOD" and "well, at least I’ll get to spend time talking to her and seeing her and working with her and in the end I’ll have her wedding pictures forever" – which may make me sound creepy but I don’t care. Obviously I can’t have HER, but I can at least have her pictures. I haven’t heard anything back from her since I wrote back- I’m not sure what that means.. I’m feeling like I charged too much. She asked about my rates (which I changed to $400 for a wedding4) so that’s what I said in my reply. I’m wondering if it may be too much….

♥ I need a job because I am out of money. On the 18th of next month the bank is going to go looking in my account for my loan payment and they aren’t going to find enough money. It’s seriously stressing me out. I went to kingston on tuesday and spent the night at my brothers and then spent all day wednesday plastering the town with my resume and filling out applications. I NEED to find work asap. I have to cancel my cell phone because I can’t afford the monthly bill- so I was going to go to "pay-as-you-go" but it costs so much money just to switch over, I’m not sure it’ll be worth it. I have a bunch of ringtones and graphics that I bought for this phone and I’ll lose them if I switch phones…*sigh* To top it off, my phone battery won’t even hold a charge for 24 hours anymore.

♥ My friend Beckie and I are going to start walking and working out three times a week starting next monday- which will be good for me. I can see myself starting to gain back the weight I lost over the summer and it’s frustrating. It makes me want to comfort myself with food. Ugh. I’m so disgusting and ashamed.

♥ I haven’t been sleeping well at all lately. Last night was the first decent sleep I’ve got in a week. I can’t seem to fall asleep before 2am, but I always wake up at 7am. I get up, go on with my lame day and then can’t fall asleep at night. I’m getting into the habit of turning EVERYTHING off in my room because I read that all those electronic things can disrupt your sleep.

*interuption. She just logged in to messenger.. sigh. she never talks to me though*

Anyway, I turn off my computer, I unplug things, turn off the dish, turn the phone away from me and my alarm clock.. It worked last night so hopefully it will work again tonight. We’ll see.

♥ My dad is home from moose hunting. He got back last weekend actually. I can not wait until he leaves again to go deer hunting for two weeks. 11 more days and he leaves again. Bliss.

♥ I have to start taking my B vitamins again because I can feel myself getting depressed. It almost always happens when winter starts because there’s less sun and .. it’s that Seasonal Affective Disorder. It’s starting earlier this year because we’ve had like.. NO sunshine for all of October (except for a day here or there). It poured rain again today and the forecast is calling for more rain. I’m all for a nice rainy day once and a while but seriously.. this is ridiculous. It’s cold and wet and dreary and I’M SO SICK OF RAIN I COULD DIE! Ugh.

♥ I’ve given up on making any plan with Erin. We used to have this plan to move to k-town or whatever and work and live together.. it keeps changing, there’s always some kind of "plan" that we talk about. This summer the plan changed and she said she was moving to Newfoundland. Now she’s not- she wants to go to Ottawa and finish her course at Algonquin. I feel like she never gives me a straight answer. Have I mentioned this before? When I used to ask her what she wanted to do- it was that she wanted to live together and she didn’t want to move to Calgary or Newfoundland or anywhere else- she would blame it on her dad making her.. I get the feeling that she says what I want to hear- not what’s really going on. Anyway, the point is, I’m done waiting for her to make up her mind. Yes, I’d love to have a roommate should I move- but I can’t depend on her.

I’m done. I smell beer.

1 which was like.. 12 years ago. Good lord.
2 two versions of the same costume.. one tame, one a little more sexy.
3 now that her girlfriend is going…..
4 I forgot to change that on my facebook page until after she joined and messaged me though.. it’s not really fair to her.