Too weak to fight?

I was suffocating for a half of night 🙁
Tears…
Lot of tears…
My tears, but it’s nothing.
My mum was crying.
I don’t like it.
I hate those moments when she’s crying.

Maciek doesn’t know about night.
If he had know, he would be there and don’t let me go anywhere.

Night was hard, but I am still alive.
Still breathing.
Still waiting for tomorrow.

I am meeting with my doctor tomorrow.
I need fast treatment, because I don’t want to be ill for the rest of holidays.
I am just afraid that she’ll send me to hospital…
I am so scared of it. I hate hospitals.
But when I am in hospital I am sure that they will help me. That I am safe.
But…
I am alone in hospital.
I usually don’t have net-connection. So I need my friends or family to publish things I’d like to share.

But maybe I see with Maciek tomorrow.
Please God.
Let me see with him
Let him hug me
Let me sleep in his arms
Let him be near…

I still fight.
And breathe myself.
But I am so weak.
Walking makes me really tired.
So I am just sitting with my laptop and fighting.
Fighting for every single breathe.

Last night, when my mum came back to her bed, after she had given me some pills which helps me to take breath.
I was thinking, and for a one minute I was like:
"I am too weak to fight. I should give up and accept it. Then end with normal life and accept oxygen concentrators."
But then I was like:
"Gosia! What are you thinking about! You are strong! You can survive! You will breathe! You are now! Don’t stop! Don’t give up!"

But guys…
I am not sure if "Second Gosia" was right.
I don’t know if I am strong enough.
I am really weak.
I am nothing.
I don’t make difference.
I loose weight.
I loose control.
I loose my life.

I don’t want to talk about it to my family.
I think they shouldn’t know about all those stuffs that are in my head.
I talk about it only there and to Maciek and to Ann and Emi (my two best class-mates).
I think I should go…

Am I too weak to fight?

Mood:
Pic: today morning
Music: Piotr Lisiecki-Lost (by Anouk) How much I LOVE his voice. As much as when Maciek whispers to my ear ^.^

But before I go I need to write something 🙂

Dear "manac"
It’s only way I can say Thank You. Because there is no way to note You back.
I smiled when I read Your note. Really 🙂
I was coughing (it always makes me sad) and then I just login to OD and saw Your note 🙂
Thank You. I wish I had better way to say Thank You.