14 days later…

And not a word has been spoken about my dissapperance.

I personally am just coming up on yet another anniversary of many, one I care to forget, because it is too painful to remember, but yet, cant forget, because it had such a huge impact on my life… and yet… now, he is dead, and here I sit, alone, alive, and wondering why. heh. Which, has also left me very anti social, trying to decide if I should mend my heart, and move forward, or just move forward, and never forget. I have done nothing but am careful for three yrs. I have discovered I have lost a part of me in his death, one I didn’t care to admit until the other night, when I realized that things just weren’t the same in certain aspects of my life. I have slowly been trying to move on, but any time I do, I find men who don’t want me, or want me for sex, or are too much like the man who is dead, therefore leaving me in a relapse. Or, they don’t want to allow someone to get close to them, for fear of being hurt. And the other night, when I realized I have lost my heart to the man who has been dead over a yr, the man who didn’t want me anymore even… That’s when I knew I am now a lost cause…I slept with a man, and woke up the next morning, to discover I have and will have no feelings for him. That, my friend, is where I lost myself… because, there was a time, when sex meant more to me then just sex… and the other night, that’s all it was.

Which, I hate. Because, there used to be a time, when I slept with someone, and it meant something. Always.

Now, it means nothing. I have discovered my self worth, and I do not like what I see in the mirror.