So, a little better now…

I am a little better today, unlike yesterday. For those who have access to that entry, its one back. If you dont, Im sorry, the entry was too emotional for me to just let everyone read… and since it dwelled on things that I should not share with the public, its going to stay that way. Do not ask to be put on that list to have access to that entry, it will not happen. Like I said when I came back, there are 2 lists: One for everyone, and one for those I trust with my inner workings, my heart, and everything in between.

Anyways. Moving on.

Blood test today: 1.4. So, too low again, and back to 20/20/25… Which cracks me up, cause one more time, I am going back to the SAME dose that spiked me to 9.4! I dont think this dr know WTF she is doing, and Im quite miffed about it.

BP was again 160/102. *Sighs* Im due to core out anytime now….

My emotional aspect has not changed much since yesterday. Im still bitter, angry, and depressed. Im still "in hiding" from 90% of the world. And I prefer to keep it that way. Mmm… There was something else, damnit, what was it….

Grr. This is going to drive me nutty. I just thought of something, that I wanted to go over here… and yet, just like that, it disappered.

K is back today, which, I want to ask her flat out if shes fucking the man who just days before told me he loved me. But I know she will deny it. She always does….

What else…. Damnit, I know there was something else…!

Oh, I remember now. Ha. I found a apartment, by my moms. Now, the move should be easy. I have to try to get up there this week or next, check it out, make sure this is what I want to do… But, its 2 bed 2 bath, washer and dryer… over 11,000 sq feet. $850 a month, which, can be doable, since I will be getting help from the county again. Due to my very meager pay from disability, whenever that comes through. That apt is a week from today, to see their dr… Lord have mercy. I hope this goes through. I am taking all my documentation. I see no reason why they would deny me.

My loneliness is getting worse, day by day. Has anyone noticed, or cared? Not out here, no. My mom is the usual drunk, and I have NO friends in town. Yes, I do mean that. I have people I know, but no one I trust. I thought about that a lot last night… Its not going to be very hard for me to move and not tell anyone where Im moving to, because I have no friends. haha. A, K, R… none of them need to know anything. And I dont talk to my MM anymore… and M… that one is in their own little world…

Not that I care. I go through my phone, looking for someone to call, reach out to… and I cant even call my own mother. Heh. What joke my life has become….

Pathetic.

I better go before I start on my rampage again… Im seriously thinking maybe it is time for me to stop writing publically again. I am such a angry person, in so much pain… Plus, so many think Im full of shit anyways, and that Im faking it… But, how do you fake a stroke? Heh. Or the pain? Or the body trying to fail you?

Maybe… I dont know. Days like today? I just want to die. No one would really notice if I just disappeared from here, cept Annie, who would know LONG before anyone that something had happened to me….

Before I get too depressing, Im out….

ion/x-shockwave-flash” height=”196″ width=”296″ data=”http://widgets.clearspring.com/o/48cfe5b37f644537/4a2f3487d67a0663/48cfe5b37f644537/39e48bce/-cpid/9f96dae96ac4749f”>

You’re wrong on one count…*I* would miss you. *I* would notice. Even if I skip posting or noting for a day or two, I *would* miss you, Amanda. There is such a beautiful you that wants to shine, but you don’t trust the world around you to unfold your wings and show those colors. My prayers are that you find your way to a garden that will provide you the peace and cover you need in order tounfurl those wings and fly.