a pipe & a pale ale & metallica S&M

 it has been an interesting fall and winter here in indianapolis.  a month or so ago, whilst listening to the local sports radio espn sports station one of the commentators said thus "there is some great karma goin on in indianapolis right now."  in case you hadn’t heard, the headcoach of the indianpolis colts was diaganosed with leukemia three months ago.  the headcoach, chuck pagano, turned the reigns of his team over to a his offensive coordinator.  over the course of the football season the interim coach won nice games.  today was the first time that coach pagano was on the sidelines.  he is remission.  God be priased.  

for me, someone who lost him mother to lymphoma it has been a rollercoaster ride following the pagano story.  i have cried.  i have prayed for coach pagano and his family.  i have railed against God a few times.  and even shaken my fist at HIm.  but it has been amazing to watch the city indianpolis come together and become ChuckStrong (chuck being coach pagono’s first name).  there have been tshirts made and sold with the proceeds going to leukemia research.  amazing stuff, actually

this time last year, i was in the middle of dealing with my mother’s death from lymphomia.  matter of fact, this christmas was more difficult for me than last, because then i was still in the throes of emotion.  this year, it hit me that my mother was really gone.  she’s next to my father in maryland.  

i have had a hell of year, a hell of six months.  

right now, i’m not sure where i am going to get my rent money for the month.  i am behind on my car payments.  creditors are calling me.  i’m a mess.  but i have faith and determination.  

i am, at present, smoking a pipe and drinking a pint of Fountain Square Brewery’s Pale Ale.  

it has been entirely too long since i wrote here.  sadly, 140 characters on twitter (@loofrin) seems to be easier than OD, also a quick update on facebook (facebook.com/karl.lindner) seems easier than writing here.  its laziness, i know, and i apologize to my readers, if i have any anymore. 

pipe smoking is something that i started when my mom was sick.  i need something to calm me down.  something to relax to.  

i seem to have turned into an old man.  if you were to come to my apartment you would think i was an old soul, and maybe i am.  

i wonder if anyone still looks at my diary. i need to make an concerted effort to write here.  really i do.  i’ve been a part of OD for well over a decade. i think it will be 13 this coming February.  so many of my friends i met through OD don’t write here any more.  they have moved on.  some of them i have become friends with on Facebook, but so many are gone.  and i wonder what happened to them.  

i do miss OD. really, i do, but when i think "hey i need to write on od" i get lazy and don’t.  

i don’t sell books anymore, did you know that OD. i’m trying to sell cars.  i’m not a librarian, except in name only, i’m a car salesman.  i’m not very good at it, but everyday teaches me something new about myself.  the toughest part about being a car salesman, at least for me, is this: meeting people.  i am, by nature, kind of shy, quiet fellow.  i have discovered that if open up about me and who i am i do a better job of selling a car than if i have to talk about the car i am trying to sell.  i don’t know shit about cars, seriously. 

it is hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that my mom has been gone over a year.  it hit me just the other day that this feb, my father will be gone five years.  

i guess i live in the past too much.  

i’m 38 years old an i’m still trying to figure out who i am.  who am i?  good question, that.  

i miss the happy-go-lucky days of yore.  i do.  man, i’m sorry that this post has gone so quickly the macabe and depressing.  maybe its a good thing, this is a ‘locked" community.  only a few people read this and it is still, for the most part, anonymous. only a few of my readers really know who i am.  sort of.  

i just got my internet connection turned on today.  it had been turned off because i hadn’t been able to afford to pay for it.  i realized in my internet darkness that i needed it.  i needed to be able to connect with the outside world, even if it is "cyberly" i’m not sure that is even a word.  hey, i just coined a term! wOOt.  

this post has suddenly turned into a woe-is-me post, hasn’t it?  sorry.  go back in my diary and read the posts i wrote when i was care free.  really.  now i am dealing with big boy problems like where i am going to get next month’s rent, and where am i going to get the car payment and how am i going to pay for electricity and gas.  yeah.  

where does Metallica’s S&M come in?  that’s on the "hifi" as i write this.  the pale ale is my glass.  almost finished by the way, i need to refill.  

how was my Christmas?  it was very quiet.  i didn’t even decorate this year.  why?  i’m the only guy here.  well, me and my cat cat Emma.  

emma has been such a blessing to me.  i don’t know if any cat in history has been so important to a human as my emma has been to me.  her unconditional love to me has been such a steadying force.  poor little thing, she is left alone most of the day, but when i come home from work she doesn’t leave my side.  i find myself holding her and snuggling with her.  

in case you hadn’t noticed i am in a pretty weird place,

a few days ago i went to a bar that i frequent.  matter of fact, the bar in question, has been a saving grace for me, too.  i am considered a "regular" i call it my own personal Cheers.  i walk in and i am greeted by name.  until recently, when i sat down a can of PBR was put in front of me even before i sat down on a bar stool.  the last few times i’ve been there i have had to tell the ‘tender that i wanted a coke, or water.  the ‘tenders have been understanding.  last night when i rolled in, i didn’t even get charged for the cokes i drank.  

i’m a mess, ain’t i?  go ahead, you can agree, i won’t be mad.

wasn’t it robert frost that wrote about the road less traveled?  sometimes i feel like that’s me.  

how i have missed you OD.

my Faith is strong, it has taken some hits over the last few months, but it holds firm.  i have found myself reading deeper into Lutheran (loofrin) theology.  it has been a steadying force for me.  

it feels good to just write here, have you gotten that?  kind of unload.  shake it off, if you get my meaning.

i have started a written journal, well, let me rephrase: i have started writing a journal that i started 12 years ago.  i started writing in this ‘journal" when i lived in texas.  the last few months i have started writing in it more and more.  its become somewhat &quot

;interactive"  its been a good place for me to go.  

can you tell i’m trying to figure it all out?  yeah.

so anyway, OD, there it is.  love you and i’ll do the best i can to write here.  i’ve missed you.  

thanks,

loof.