So Hard

I’ve been thinking about writing this entry since yesterday afternoon, but every time I try to write it, it’s like I don’t know how to get the words out. After church let out today, I found myself restless and at loose ends. I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with the situation with my grandparents and the only conclusion I can come to is that all I can do is get through it the best I can and there’s no real way to “deal” with it.

Back in late March, events conspired to make it necessary for my grandparents to go into a nursing home on a permanent basis and my grandmother also into hospice care. I still don’t have all the details, except that the cancer became more active than the chemo could be. Between that and my diabetic grandfather’s Alzheimer’s, there really wasn’t any other choice. So the last week of March, my grandparents moved into a nursing home not far from the house they’d been in since 1963. At the time, the move actually went fairly smoothly, as my grandfather seemed to understand and embrace it because it was for my grandmother. I’ve since learned that he thought just my grandmother was a patient of the nursing home and he was there simply because she was (as opposed to actually being a patient himself). To attempt to keep the peace, since arguing with my grandfather gets you nowhere these days, my aunts and uncles let him believe that. 10-14 days ago, that began to stop. Prior to that, my grandfather had made two “jailbreak” attempts to leave the nursing home, as he’d started to strongly dislike it.

Things took a turn for the worse last week. On Tuesday, my grandfather made another jailbreak attempt and got as far as the parking lot. However, that meant that facility wasn’t going to work so arrangements were made to move my grandparents to an assisted living facility on Friday. In the intervening time, he would need 24/7 monitoring provided by our family to ensure he didn’t attempt another jailbreak. Sometime on Thursday, he went at my aunt with his cane and essentially lost all touch with reality. In the process, my grandmother fell and bruised her hip pretty good. In the end, my grandmother stayed at the original nursing home, while my grandfather was moved to an inpatient psych facility some 50 or 60 miles away. Aside from video chatting, my grandparents will likely never see each other again.

I hate hate hate that my grandmother is around to watch my grandfather deteriorate like this. It was never a secret, even from her, that when she passed away he would have to go into a nursing home. And she’s a smart lady – she knows enough about Alzheimer’s now to know the kind of deterioration endemic to Alzheimer’s. So on some level, I’m sure she has an idea of what would happen once she was gone. But I hate that her last days and weeks are marred by this.

Back in April, I had my usual pdoc appointment and at that point I decided it would be a good idea to start seeing a counselor again. I’d been dealing with my ADD symptoms and anxiety fine on my own, but I knew that the situation with my grandparents was going to strain all of my coping skills. I’ve seen that counselor twice now and I really like her. She mentioned last time that sometimes we just need someone to listen and do nothing else. That’s how I’m feeling now. I don’t want someone to try and fix it or give me advice or tell me they’re sorry. It can’t be fixed, but it’s not their fault either so I don’t want to hear sorry.

Yesterday was my cousin’s Open House for her graduation and it was there that I got some of the details of this past week. Prior to that, I just knew things had taken a turn for the worse and that was it. I now have enough details to know I don’t want the rest. From how my grandmother looked the last time I saw her (the week before I went out to New York) and what extended family members have said, I’ll be shocked if I’m not attending a funeral before classes begin. My grandfather, on the other hand, aside from his diabetes and Alzheimer’s, is in excellent health for 85. He’s had family live into their 90’s and had an aunt that lived to…104 I think. It was definitely over 100.

For those of us who love them and can do nothing more than watch from the sidelines as they slip away, one in body and one in mind, it’s so terribly difficult to watch.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

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