An Update on my grandparents

This update is on both of my grandparents and not just my grandmother as things aren’t great with my grandfather now either.  I meant to have this written and posted Monday night, but it didn’t happen.  As a result, there will be another update on Friday night or Saturday as we’re visiting my grandparents on Friday afternoon.

First, my grandmother.  She’s doing rather well for the moment.  They’ve changed the dosing again on her chemo.  I’m not entirely sure what it was before last Saturday, but now it’s three pills in the morning and three in the afternoon.  She’s still on oxygen and that’s going to be a fact of life probably until the end.  Apparently she’s still very bloated in the abdomen, which suggests the cancerous fluid in her abdomen isn’t going down.  She’s still in good spirits though.  I ended up calling down there on Saturday while my parents were there.  I needed to get a hold of my parents (tell them I was going out so they didn’t worry when they called to tell me they were on their way home) but my parents weren’t answering the cell phone.  So I called down and talked to both of my grandparents.  My grandmother sounded pretty good on the phone.  I honestly wouldn’t know anything was wrong just by talking to her on the phone.  So for now she’s doing alright.

My grandfather, on the other hand, isn’t doing so well.  Physically he’s okay.  His memory and overall mental state have been going downhill for about the last 12 or 18 months, but the rate of descent seems to be increasing.  When I called down on Saturday, he picked up the phone.  Thankfully he knew who I was, but in the course of our 7 or 8 minute conversation, he asked how I was/what I was up to three times and got the same answer three times.  Of course, he still managed to give me grief over my lack of a boyfriend, but that’s par for the course these days.    My dad was telling me about a conversation they had down there – with my grandmother on oxygen, there can’t be anything resembling an open flame in the house.  My parents suggested perhaps changing out the gas stove my grandparents have for an electric one (which they could then use).  My grandfather remarked it wasn’t necessary because 9 months from now my grandmother wouldn’t need the oxygen anymore.  Apparently my grandmother looked at him sternly and said she hoped to still be here 9 months from now.  My grandfather did go to the doctor either Monday of this week or sometime last week for his memory issues.  I don’t know if my grandmother went with him, but I know my aunt did.  Apparently he passed okay, but when my aunt told my dad the type of questions the doctor asked and then my dad told me, we both scratched our heads.  The doctor asked things like what season it was, what day it was, the month, etc.  Those aren’t the areas of his memory that are going.  My dad suggested the type of appointment that they really should do would be to have my grandfather go in one day, have him read something, have the doctor ask questions about what he read, and then have a simple conversation with him.  Then, have my grandfather come back the next day and ask him about what he read and what the conversation was about.  My dad (and I) suspect my grandfather wouldn’t pass that.

*Sigh* Apparently my grandfather got his driver’s license renewed 10 days or 2 weeks ago now.  His kids desperately wish he’d give up driving completely.  I guess a week ago now he managed to get up on a ladder too – scary for the family, let me tell you.  His balance and gait aren’t great when he’s on the ground.  The middle of last week my dad called down to see what things my grandparents needed done to get ready for winter.  When my parents got down on Saturday, my grandfather had done all the winter prep things.  It sounds like my grandfather is doing all the stuff he’s doing just to prove he still can. 

Most of this information I got as I sat at the kitchen table on Monday night while my dad talked to my aunt on the phone.  After he got off the phone, my dad said he suspects/fears he’s simply going to get a call from my aunt saying my grandmother has taken a drastic turn for the worse and is in the hospital, and then a few days later she’s gone.  If I had to guess, right now I’d say my grandfather dies less than a year later.  My parents were talking a little later and said they’d offer to have my grandfather come live with them after my grandmother dies, but they know my grandfather would never agree to it.

I know this might sound selfish, or cruel, or crass but I hate waiting.  I honestly think the emotions and issues of simply waiting for my grandmother to die are going to be worse than the emotions and issues after she’s gone.  To know that all you can do is wait for the worst to happen – to wait for that terrible phone call.  It’s really like a state of limbo.  And I think the worst is the lack of resources for family members in this situation, especially those family members who have no choice but to go on with their lives.  For many of us out there, our lives don’t stop and then start to revolve around a loved one when that loved one is dying.  The grief and bereavement places aren’t right for us, but the disease specific places aren’t right either, as our lives don’t revolve around the disease and loved one 24/7.  The individual places for where each of us is in life aren’t right either (example – I was told to find a college chat room…like a college chat room is going to have the support I need in this situation.  The problems/issues I have are nowhere near the topics of conversation you find in a college chat room). So what about those of us who love the person dying, who’s lives don’t (and really, can’t) stop just to then revolve around the disease and loved one?  Why should it take our loved one actually passing away for us to find a place to turn?  I intend to do NaNoWriMo again this year and I’m going to create a character and put her in my situation – having a loved one dying but nowhere to turn.  Perhaps I can help raise awareness because I can’t be the only one to ever find themselves in this position.