Modern Man

To an English teacher like me, this is simply a masterpiece, an amazing work of art.  It would be a huge waste not to share with my students – and with all of you. 

Modern Man by George Carlin

Script

I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium.  Digital and smoke-free.  A diversified, multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.  I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced.  I know the upside of downsizing and the downside of upgrading.  I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.  I’m new wave, but I’m old school, and my inner child is outward bound.  I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and bio-degradable.  I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time to time, I’m radio-active.  Behind the 8-ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope.  I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs; I got no need for Coke and Speed, I got no urge to binge and purge.  I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar.  A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary, a street-wise smart-bomb, a top-gun bottom-feeder.  I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.  I’m a totally on-going big-foot slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach, a raging workaholic, a working rage-a-holic, out of rehab, and in denial.

I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.  You can’t shut me up, you can’t dumb me down, cuz’ I’m tireless and I’m wireless. I’m an alpha male on beta blockers. I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid back, but fashion-forward.  Up-front, down-home, low rent, high maintenance.  Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last.  I’m a hands-on footloose knee-jerk head-case, prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child that sends me hate mail.  But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing.  A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver.  My output is down but my income is up.  I take a short position on a long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.  I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.  I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.  I like rough sex, I like tough love, I use the F-word in my e-mail and my software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn.  I bought a microwave at a mini-mall, I bought a minivan at a mega-store.  I eat fast food in the slow lane.  I’m toll-free, bite-size, ready to wear, and I come in all sizes.  A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-formulated medical miracle.  I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.  I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal, lean and mean, cock-blocked and ready to rock.  Rough, tough and hard to bluff.  I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride.  Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning.  I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose, I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road, I party-hardy, and lunch-time is crunch-time. I’m hanging in, there ain’t no doubt, and I’m hanging tough, OVER AND OUT.