Writings of heaven and hell

April and May – ‘Tis the season to be jolly…

Yup, I’m marking those Use of English writing papers again.  Most teachers I know call me weird as they think only weirdos enjoy marking compositions.  Well they obviously think too highly of me.  Come on, I’m doing this only for the money!  How else am I going to afford those dream trips every summer?

So, yeah, I’m going to post some candidates’ compositions here.  And yeah, I’m absolutely unethical and sadistic in this respect – I love grilling and laughing at the ridiculously bad compos.  Still think I’m a good honourable teacher?  Think again.

But before you reassess me, let me start by presenting what is called HEAVEN in the compo-marking world:

Question: You suspect that your neighbours are treating their pets badly. Write a letter to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) showing your concern and give details of any incidents of abuse you are aware of. Suggest what could be done to ensure the welfare of the pets and say why these measures are urgent. Sign your name ‘Chris Wong’.
 

 
Dear sir,
 
        I am writing to express my concern over the ways my neighbour’s pets have been treated. I am quite sure that they have been mistreated.
 
        I live in a private housing estate that allows residents to keep pets, but as the flats are quite small, most pet owners only keep small dogs or goldfish. However, my next-door neighbours own three enormous Great Dane dogs, in addition to a variety of chinchillas and hamsters.
 
        In the first place, the animals do not have enough space to move around in, as big dogs need much more space than small dogs and tend to be territorial over their sleeping quarters. Also, I suspect that the dogs have been neglected all the time, as I always hear them whining for food in the middle of the night. In addition, all of the dogs have some kind of scars on their bodies, and I have reason to believe that they have either been beaten by their owners, or have fought among themselves, possibly because of the lack of space in their cramped living environment.
 
        As I have mentioned earlier, in addition to dogs, my next-door neighbours also keep chinchillas and hamsters. The chinchillas are often not locked safely in their cages, and on one occasion, one of them even managed to get into my home. As responsible pet owners, they should lock up small pets safely, as being in the wild is very dangerous to them.
 
        As for the hamsters, I think that they have been neglected. Hamsters bedding for their cages should always be changed at least once a week, but I can, from the characteristic smell, that it has not been changed for months. It is very bad for the hamsters. Also, my neighbours have also thrown out some baby hamsters, possibly because they couldn’t keep up with their high reproductive rate. I think that they are being very irresponsible.
 
        In order to ensure the welfare of the pets, I think that they should be microchipped, that is, to insert a tiny microchip containing their owner’s personal information under the skin of the pets, so that their owner can be traced if they abandon them, so that they cannot deny being their owner if they are arrested.
 
        As for punishment for the pet owners, they should be imprisoned, or at least fined a large sum of money, to let them realize the seriousness of animal abuse, if they are found to be guilty.
 
        If the pet owners are found to be guilty, then the pets should be seized and placed into animal sanctuaries to await adoption. They should not be allowed to stay in a home where they are abused.
 
        In the long term, I think that all pets in Hong Kong should be microchipped, and the maximum penalty for animal abuse should not only be raised, but the courts have to carry out the maximum penalty to warn people of the consequences. People should be aware that pets are not cheap commodity, and should be respected. After all, respect for life begins with respect for animals.

I can honestly say that the essay above is the best exam script I have ever marked in my 9-year career.  The writing is so mature, the diction is so accurate and appropriate, the language is so natural and fluent – all under 1 hour 15 minutes and enormous exam pressure too!  I really can’t imagine how a Form 7 student can produce such a fine piece of writing.  Allow me to be blunt, but this candidate’s English is probably better than many, if not most, high school English teachers.

As life always goes, after heaven comes HELL:

Question: In your housing estate, a gang of criminals has been tricking old people into giving them money. On behalf of the Owners’ Association of the estate, write to the Hong Kong Post about an incident that took place recently. Describe how the old person was tricked, what the victim lost, and explain some of the measures your association has taken to protect people from being tricked in future. Sign your name ‘Chris Wong’.

 
Dear Sir,
 
        On Firday evening, I went to supper market. I saw the gang of criminals had been tricking old man. I took a called to 999. The trickers had been livened, when the polices come there. The old man was been hit.
 
        The police need to walk there in the future. The people don’t know to call 999, when they was tricked. On half of the Owner’s Association of the estate, they was tricked.
 
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n>        The old people was tricked by the gang of criminals. I think they are Form fore or Form five. They were smoking. They dree on the uniform. They tick down the ties. So I dont know their school. I have taken a called to police. When the police was comed there. They would lieven.
 
        The police need to usulally walking this arse. The old people need to help. They were tricked.
 
        In the Owner’s Association of the estate, the old people were hit by the gang of criminals. They were tricked by the criminals.
 
        The old people need to help and our love. Let us help the Owner people.

Seriously, I don’t think a Use of English composition can get worse than the one above.  Alright, before any of you say that you’ve seen worse, let’s not forget that whoever wrote the above must have already passed the Certificate level English.  How was that even possible???

Anyway, I’m not upset at all.  Remember, I’m in this only for the money.