Progress

Trolling through the Internet today, I am struck by how everything just keeps moving.  People are ranting, kids are growing, babies are incubating, hair is growing; time is moving on. 

I feel so stuck.

Not that this is an unfamiliar feeling for me.  It’s actually more familiar these last years.  Yes, there has been progress…we joke about how we’ll have been together five years in December.  We’re engaged now (and that’s what it is, even if it feels awkward to use it) and will wed at the end of next year.  I am excited and I want to be married (to her, even) but there’s also so much to be overwhelmed by.

I am not quite back to being overwhelmed by getting out of bed.  I am not right there, but it isn’t much beyond that.  I am still scheduling my "life" around the TV schedule and when Grey’s Anatomy airs.  So sad, but it can be the light of my day.

I could work.  I have a part time, project based gig at one of the local foundations.  I could go in and talk to people and send emails and move files around and sit in a meeting with my yucky boss, and some of that might even make me feel better, but it just takes so much ENERGY.

Where is the drive I once had?  Where is the gusto?  Where is the smile and laugher and give-a-damn?  It’s there, but it lives beneath the surface of Stuck.  I think I find too much comfort in Stuck.  It is so easy to be there, and yet so hard, too.  I feel tired all the time, though there isn’t anything to be tired from…or tired about.  And maybe that’s it…there isn’t enough to be tired about, so the generators are out of practice.

I would probably much rather be back in bed.  Or hiding.  I am hiding from my life and the world.  I know it feels good to do things…to get out and appreciate what is there.  I don’t even have the excuse of having nothing to look forward to as there is this big event next year called My Wedding.  I don’t know.  Myabe it’s because it’s too far away.  Maybe it’s becuase it’s too big for me to conceptualize.  At least I really want it.  At least I’m not pretending.  That is something.

I hate that everytime I write about my life, it’s about how boring and humdrum it is.  It’s about how I don’t like this or I don’t like that.  I really am not this negative and pessamistic in real life (or maybe I am).  It’s just my thoughts that turn this way.  Today isn’t a good day.  Yesterday wasn’t so hot either.  I am avoiding.  Avoiding my life and all that comes with it.  I don’t want to avoid it into nothing, but some days it feels like a nervous breakdown is in order.  Some days it feels like living with absolutley zero expectations is the way to go.

And then I close the laptop, get off the sofa, and make a sandwich.  I’ll call that progress.

The journey is the reward

Lao-Tzu